Aftermath - After Always Ends
by Leonard 356
Summary: AU after Rita's second meeting with Kate in XX. How would Rick react to Beckett's departure if he knew the whole story? Warning - There is no Casket ending. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** I couldn't believe how far off the rails they've pulled Kate's character in the first two episodes of the season. Whatever solution the writers come up with to resolve this mess will require a total suspension of disbelief. I wondered just how different Rick would have reacted to Kate's departure if he had spoken to Rita first.

It started as a one-shot but sort of took on a life of its own.

As usual, all character's other than the one's that I've created, belong to ABC and Marlowe.

 **September 28, 2015:**

Castle's cell phone vibrated and rang on the kitchen counter as he searched the cabinets looking for something to make for dinner. His wife had been missing without a word for nearly two days, but now she was back, safe. She looked a little out of sorts when she returned to the loft, immediately heading for the bathroom to take a much needed shower. Rick attributed her behavior to exhaustion from the ordeal that she had endured. He was still angry with her for not telling him, but she assured him that there would be no secrets from now on. He believed her. He loved her.

Picking up the phone, there's no caller ID displayed. Puzzled that anyone would have his private cell phone number, he swipes his finger across the screen and places the phone to his ear. "Hello?"

"Richard, it's Rita." There was an extended pause as she realizes that Beckett must not have mentioned her to him.

"I'm sorry, but I don't know anyone named Rita. Are you sure that you have the right number?"

"Yes, I'm sure." Rita calmly replies. "I guess your wife didn't mention me?"

Rick is confused by her response. How did this woman know Kate? "I'm afraid you have me at a loss. My wife never mentioned anyone named Rita. How exactly do you know her?"

"I was the agent that saved her and that analyst from certain death. She didn't tell you?"

Agent? Kate didn't say anything about being rescued by an agent. His mind was filled with various scenarios, and none of them gave him any comfort. "No she didn't mention anything about being rescued... I guess I owe you a thank you."

Rita was a little surprised that Beckett never told her husband about their initial meeting. 'Either she was ashamed that she'd gotten herself in a situation that required someone rescuing her, or her ego wouldn't allow herself to appear weak in front of her husband.' She pondered the options, deciding that it was probably the latter given her last meeting with Kate and her behavior. "I didn't call to get a thank you Richard..."

The tone of Rita's voice put Rick senses on alert. "Why did you call then?" He inquires a little more tersely than he intended.

"I spoke to your wife again a little over an hour ago... I'm afraid that she's going to do something stupid that will put her life in needless danger... And possibly yours..."

She had Castle's full attention now. He could hear the shower turn off and walked as far away from his bedroom as possible. "I don't understand. I thought that the case was over. That the woman who was in charge of the hit squad had committed suicide..."

"Richard, you know that she wasn't the one pulling the strings. She wasn't at a high enough level in the agency to organize a drug smuggling operation. She wasn't in the CIA..."

Everything Rita said made sense. He had worked with the CIA and other intelligence agencies over the years to know an operation like LockSat was controlled by someone way up the food chain. Someone that would never be touched. "Kate's not involved... Anymore."

"I've been working this case for years, I know that the CIA is involved. They are the only ones that have the resources to pull something like this off. Your wife is smart, she figured out pretty quick that the AG agent wasn't the one in charge. I told her to let it drop. That I will continue to work this case. To go home to her husband..."

Rick was confused. Why would Rita care about her coming hone to him? Was Kate considering pursuing this case? "What did she say?" Castle inquires, afraid of the answer.

"She was convinced that McCord and her team's death was her fault because of something that she did while she was working in the AG's office. She said that she needed to get justice for them..."

Rick almost winced as Rita talked about Kate and her need for justice. He saw first hand just how Beckett let herself be consumed in her quest for justice in her mother's case. He couldn't go through that again. "What did you tell her?"

"I told her that she wasn't responsible for any of the deaths that had happened. I warned her about going down that rabbit hole in her quest for justice." There was an extended pause. "I told her that if she pursued this, that any deaths that came from it were on her. Richard, she has the chance to walk away from this if she would just go along with the story that the AG agent who committed suicide was LockSet. I told her to go home to her husband, my stepson..."

Castle's mind was reeling. They'd worked too hard to get where they were at for Kate to throw it all away on a case that she has no business being involved with. Rita was right, McCord's team's deaths were tragic, but they weren't her fault. She'd only worked with them for a couple of months. He understood her need to solve her mother's murder, but this? No, he couldn't let that happen. Not this time. He wouldn't let he go tilt with another windmill without a fight.

"What did she say?"

"It wasn't what she said as much as the look on her face. She wants to go down the rabbit hole Richard and I won't be there to protect her this time. Maybe you can convince her that what she has is so much more than what this case is..."

Rick knew that a confrontation with Kate would end badly once she's made up her mind. His only hope was that she came to her senses and realized that Rita was right. "What do I say to her? I've had these types of confrontations with her before and they always end badly..."

Rita sighed. She could tell that Beckett was the type of woman that once she made up her mind about something, it would be nearly impossible for her to change it. "Tell her the unvarnished truth, but be prepared for her lashing back at you for doing that. If she will not be honest with you, I don't know what to say... Do you love her?"

"More than any woman I've ever met in my life." Rick answers without hesitation.

"Your wife told me that she loved you too. I believe that she does, but..."

"What?" Castle inquires, afraid of her response.

Rita hated hurting the stepson that she's never met, but he needed to know. She owed him that much. "I think that she loves the quest for justice more than anyone, or anything."

Castle was shocked that a woman he didn't know, someone that had only met Beckett twice, would come to such a conclusion. The he remembers Bracken's last words to him, how Beckett would never be satisfied being married to him. Was he that oblivious to what others could so easily see?

Not knowing how to respond, he offers a weak defense. "You don't know her. You don't know me..."

Rita can hear the hurt in his voice as he tries to offer some defense for his wife. "You're right Richard, I don't know her, but I can tell you what living a life always on the run in search of justice does to you, to your marriage. And you're correct, I don't know you, but I wish I did. Your father is so proud of the man that you've become, of Alexis..."

Rick was gobsmacked. How did she know about Alexis? His father? Wait a second, did she say stepmother? "Are you telling me that you're married to my father?"

Rita actually laughs at his question. "Yeah, that's usually how one becomes a stepmother to someone else's child. I'd really like to meet you and Alexis in person, but I'm not sure how we could work that out... There are people always looking for me..."

Embarrassed that he'd been so concerned about what she was telling him about Kate that he ignored the fact the he had a spy as a stepmother. Under normal circumstances, he'd be almost giddy at the news, but now all he can offer is a half-hearted apology. "I'm sorry Rita. I was so worried about Kate that I kind of missed the part where you told me that you were my stepmother. Maybe we can meet somewhere safe once this is all over? I'm sure Alexis would be thrilled."

"We'll see Richard... What are you going to do about your wife?"

"What can I do? I love her, but I can't go through this again. Her last trip down the rabbit hole literally killed her. I watched her die in the ambulance twice after she was shot because of her mother's case. I can't do this..." Rick sighs in defeat knowing there is nothing he can do if that is what she decides. He's lost everyone of these fights before and he doubts that being married changes anything in spite of her promises.

"Are you willing to walk away? Are you willing to fight dirty if you have to?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You've just told me that you can't allow her to go off on another quest for justice alone. You have to tell her the same thing and be willing to give her up forever if she won't see things that way. You're not being selfish wanting to keep the woman you love out of harms way. If she can't understand that, then maybe she doesn't love you as much as she claims." Rita hated being brutally honest with him, but she had no choice. "Offer her a compromise. Offer to work with her as a team."

"Why would she do that?"

Rita smiles. "We both know that you have more contacts and connections within the intelligence community than your wife does. I know you worked with the CIA years ago and your father has told me about your friends in the French intelligence service and MI6. Tell her about that. Oh, and I know all about your little adventure with the CIA last year..."

Rick gives her an exasperated laugh. "Well that makes one of us.. I still don't know what happened completely. Maybe one day you can fill me in..."

"Well, I wouldn't know about that, but I do know that you're more of a spy than your wife will ever be and leave it at that..."

Castle was confused, but remembered his father telling him how he always kept an eye on him. Did he know about his abduction on his wedding day? Was his father part of it? Castle was pacing about his apartment as he talked to Rita. As he passed by the door to the bedroom, he could hear Kate going through the dresser drawers as if she was looking for something.

Deciding that his wife would be coming out of the bedroom soon, he decides to end the call. "I need to talk to Kate about all of this. Is there some way that I can contact you? I'd really like to talk, but I have other issues at the moment."

"I understand Richard. I hope things go the way you want. I'll try to call you in a few days, if I can... Goodbye Richard." the call ends before he can respond.

Rick was standing by the bedroom door listening to the sounds on the other side. Part of him wanted to rush in and confront her with everything that Rita had told him. The other part said wait and see. Maybe she came to her senses after Rita's warning and decided that being a wife was more important than chasing shadows in the dark.

Castle tries to open the door, but finds that Kate has locked it. He gently taps on the door and asks if Kate would like anything to eat. There was an extended pause as he could hear her getting dressed. She quietly replies that she wasn't hungry after the day's events and maybe she'd eat something later.

Castle returned to the kitchen and gathered up the ingredients needed to make his favorite cheer-me-up concoction, the smorelet. He was placing the ingredients inside the omelet when he hears the sound of the bedroom door opening. Looking up, he can see that Kate is fully dressed and carrying an overnight bag. His senses are on immediate alert and he turns off the stove's burner, pushing the pan away from the heat.

Kate stops in front of the door and stares nervously at him as he approaches. He then hears the four words that have always been a prelude to a disaster. "We need to talk."

"Why are you dressed like you're going somewhere and what's with the bag?" He asks while staring at the bag as it sits there beside her feet.

"Rick, you know how much I love you... But there's something that I have to do... Alone. I need you to trust me... I don't know how long it will take, but I promise that once it's over, I'll come back. I want our happy ending and we can't have that until I solve this. I hope that you can forgive me then..."

Castle stood there in stunned silence. Everything that Rita had warned him about was true. He took a deep breath in a vain attempt to calm himself before he spoke.

"No Kate, I really don't know how much you love me. If you're willing to throw away everything that we have fought for seven years to achieve to go down the rabbit hole again, then it wasn't very much after all. Not four hours ago, you promised me no more secrets. And now you're asking me to trust you?"

Kate was stunned by the hurt in his voice as he spoke, but decided to let him speak. After all she owed him that much and it wasn't like he could change her mind anyway.

"Why do you have to do this alone? We've always been better together as a team. You know that I would lay my life down for you."

"And that's why I have to do this alone. I have to keep you safe." Kate quickly replies as she had rehearsed it in her mind.

"Safe? How will leaving me keep me or my family safe? They already know who I am, that I'm your husband..." He looks at her left hand and notices that her rings are missing. He gasps as it dawns on him what she is really saying. "You want a divorce?"

"It's not what I want, it's what we need to do to keep you and Alexis safe. Can't you see, as long as we are married, there's a chance that they would use either you or Alexis to get to me?"

"So you're willing to throw away our marriage to save yourself on a quest that you have no business being a part of?"

"It's my fault those people are dead."

"Bullshit! They died because some greedy SOB wanted to tie up some loose ends. Why are you really doing this Kate? Was Bracken right?"

Kate's face paled at the mention of Bracken. She had to know what he told Castle. "What did he say to you?"

"He told me that you'd never be satisfied being married to me... That I'd never be enough. Is that true? Did Bracken know you better than me? Does my stepmother know you better than me?"

Becket wasn't prepared for the gut-shot she felt as he asked these questions. It hurt more than she ever considered when accused her of not being enough for her. Rick had admitted that he'd spoken with Rita and wondered how much she told him about their last meeting. Rather than admit they were right, she goes for the jugular. "What about you Rick? You were gone for two months without a word. I had no idea if you were dead or alive, yet I never gave up hope, never gave up the search. Then you appear, with no memories what where you'd been or why you were gone and you asked me to believe in you... And I did."

It was a low-blow and she knew it, but this was the way Kate always fought back whenever Castle had her dead to rights. She knew that Rick felt an incredible sense of guilt over his disappearance and she turned it against him. Rick stood there silent, a look of defeat on his face. She could see his hands shaking as he tries to keep from saying anything that will make matters worse than they already are.

Nearly a minute passes as they stare at each other, pain burning in their eyes. A calm seems to pass over Castle as if he's came to an understanding of something. "No Kate, you're right. It's my fault that the CIA kidnapped me on my wedding day and forced me to help save New York from a terrorist attack. It's my fault that I was left for dead, adrift on the Atlantic. It's my fault that my memories were erased. All my fault and it's obvious that you'll never forgive me. This will forever hang over my head to be used by you to justify whatever you decide to do." Castle spoke calmly, as if he was explaining it to himself rather than her.

"I love you, but even I know when something is hopeless... If you walk out that door, they'll be no next time, no happy ending. You know exactly what you are doing and you need to understand what the cost will be if you follow through with it..." Rick spoke with no anger, no malice.

"Is that an ultimatum?" Kate angrily inquires.

"No Kate. I would never give you an ultimatum. The simple fact is you can stay, we'll go to couples therapy to work out our issues. I'll go down that rabbit hole with you and together, we'll bring down LockSat..."

"Or?"

"Or, you walk out that door abandoning me and we will never see each other again. I won't let my heart be held hostage while you run away on your quest. What happens when the next wrong comes along you feel compelled to right? Once you start down that road, you can never turn back." His whole body seemed to sag in defeat as he accepts the meaning of the words he spoke.

Kate was prepared for a fight with Castle to get her way. She had always been able to get him back with an apology in the past. She knew this time it was different. Beckett could tell that he was surrendering without a fight. There was no anger in his words to her. The next sixty seconds would forever change her life regardless of her choice.

It was pretty cut and dry. She could stay with Rick, work out their issues and join forces to bring down LockSet, or she could walk out the door and lose the only man that truly loved her. Like an alcoholic tempted by that one drink, Kate was standing at the precipice looking into the darkness of the rabbit hole. She could feel its pull like it had so many times before. And just like an alcoholic, she told herself that she was in control and could walk away at any time. Only this time there'd be no one to pull her out. Montgomery was dead and she'd thrown away Castle. She thought about Rita's warnings and sighed, knowing she was right, but too weak to fight for what should have been important.

Kate slowly closed the distance between the two of them, wrapping her arms around his body. He tenses at her touch knowing what this means as she places a chaste kiss on his cheek as she whispers "Goodbye Castle. You deserve to be happy. I hope you find it..." She looks into his red rimmed eyes fighting back her own tears as she lets go of him. Kate picks up her overnight bag and walks out the door without a word.

Rick walks to the door and watches as Kate gets on the elevator and whispers. "Goodbye Beckett."


	2. Chapter 2

**AN:** Many thanks for all of the reviews. I'll post at least one chapter a day.

 **September 28, 2016: Rick's POV**

Rick was sitting outside Dr Burke's office nervously tapping the fingers of his hands on the arms of waiting room chair. Things were getting better. He was slowly adjusting to life as a three-time loser. Three failed marriages. Three times that he wasn't enough for the woman that he promised to spend the rest of his life with. Dr Burke's receptionist looks at him sitting alone in the waiting area and tells him that the doctor would see him now. Castle feigns a smile and thanks the young woman as he walks to Burke's door.

Rick taps on the door and is told to come inside. He opens the door and walks into the office quickly taking a seat in the oversized leather chair that he usually sat in for the last nine months. Burke gets up from his seat behind his oversized desk and sits down in a chair facing Rick. He opens the conversation by asking Castle how he is doing. The doctor can see that his patient is having a bad day.

Castle is fidgeting with with his hands as the doctor speaks. He stops and looks at Burke. "Not good... Do you know that today is my one year anniversary?"

Burke gives him a puzzled look as he scans his notes. It was one year ago today that his wife had left him. "How do you feel about that?"

Rick gave a nervous laugh as he wiped his sweaty palms on the legs of his jeans. "How do you think I feel? The day the woman that I loved more than anything told me that I wasn't worthy of her."

"Is that what you really think Rick?"

"What else could it be? I thought that we were happy. My career was going great. I was writing and Kate's career was taking off. She was approached to run for state senate... Did I tell you that?"

"Yes you have Rick."

"Instead, she decided to take the captain's job that they offered her. It was perfect. Her boss had just been promoted leaving her position open at the 12th precinct. She didn't even have to move. I knew that her job would keep her behind a desk and I was apprehensive that she'd miss the action of working directly on cases. She assured me that it would be fine. That it was time for her to consider starting a family. I was so happy."

Rick pauses and Burke passes him a bottle of water. Rick thanks the doctor, opening it and taking a large drink before continuing. "Everything fell apart in a period of 48 hours... A simple phone call. I've never seriously considered killing someone before, but if I ever see that fucking analyst again..."

Burke scribbles something on his pad as he let's Rick think about what he just said. Richard Castle was not a violent man by nature. Burke knew that he was capable of violent acts to protect those that he loved. "You don't really mean that, do you?"

"You tell me doc. He ruined my life. He had no business calling her. She didn't work for the Attorney Generals' office. She hadn't for two years. He had only worked there for six months himself. He didn't know her."

Burke sat there silently as he waited for Rick to work things out in his mind. He knew that Castle was deflecting the blame for his wife's departure to anyone but the person responsible, Katherine Beckett. The doctor had seen her in enough sessions to know that Beckett didn't do anything that she didn't want to. Like a recovering addict, Vikram offered her what she secretly craved but had been trying to kick. She craved the rush of putting her life in danger, of cheating death. That was why she took the job in the AG's office in the first place. A chance for bigger thrills from high profile cases.

Castle looks at the doctor as he patiently waits for him to work out things in his own mind. "I guess that the life we built together wasn't enough to keep her happy... I wasn't enough."

"Do you really believe that? You've made great progress over the last nine months coming to terms with your wife's departure. Sometimes the reasons for someone leaving have nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Sometimes shit happens and there's nothing you can do."

Rick actually smiles as Burke says 'shit'. It was so out of character, but he understood why the doctor said it. _It's not your fault Rick. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be regardless of how much you want them to be._ "I love your eloquent choice of words doc."

It's Burke's turn to smile now. He needed to snap Rick out of his self-loathing spiral that he was about to go down again. His first sessions always seemed to go that way. The previous few sessions had been better. Burke had seen Castle start to come out his shell. He'd met with Rick's daughter and mother and they both confirmed that he was slowly becoming the man that he was before the 'rejection', as Castle referred to their breakup. Anniversaries are times for reflection of events and the doctor suspected that Rick would have a rough time getting through it. He knew that Castle's love for his wife was nearly an obsession. Burke didn't know many men that would have endured the years of indifference and rejection that he did to get the girl only to lose her in the end.

Deciding that a change of topic was needed Burke asks about Castle's latest hobby. "So how are the flying lessons going?"

The question brings a smile to Rick's face that wasn't forced. "Good. I have my private pilots license and I'm working on getting enough hours in the air to be rated for instrument flight. My goal is to get enough hours to be rated for multiple engines. Then I can get that jet I've had my eyes on..."

Burke was pleased that Rick was focused on something positive. The first few months after his wife's departure, Castle withdrew from everyone including his family. He wouldn't speak to either his mother or daughter as they had continuously taken Beckett's side on any disagreement. The doctor remembers the session with Castle and his daughter where she admitted her blind faith in Kate had led to what Rick felt was a betrayal by Alexis. There was a great deal of tears as the two realized that Beckett had deceived them both.

"That's great. How are your businesses doing?"

"Pretty well. The PI business is really taking off. Alexis is a natural boss. After all, she had plenty of experience bossing me around all these years." Rick chuckles to himself at the comment and Burke has to smile also. "She's running the office during the day and taking a few classes at night to get her degree in finance at NYU. I made her promise to finish school to keep her job with me. The Old Haunt is doing pretty well and I agreed to pay for a complete remodel. I still run into the guys from the 12th on occasion..." Ricks voice trails off as he thinks about his days at the 12th precinct, his days working with Kate.

"So how's your writing going? I hear your latest book is doing quite well..."

"Things are going pretty good. I had a tough time convincing Black Pawn that it was time to end the Nikki Heat series. Luckily, the Derrick Storm novels were selling well enough to keep Gina off of my back..."

"How do you feel about ending the Nikki Heat series?"

"She was my muse. She was what inspired me to create Nikki in the first place. After the way things ended between us, I felt that I didn't really know her at all. I couldn't do the character justice anymore, so I ended it."

Burke smiled and nodded as he took a few notes. Castle's writing had always been the way that he dealt with the world. As a writer, he could create a world where he made the rules. Where he controlled who lived or died, who fell in love. He was talented enough to have lasted all of these years telling stories for others to enjoy.

"Any book tours coming up?"

"Yeah, I'm on the road for six weeks starting next Monday. As much as I'd deny it to my agent and publisher, I do enjoy meeting with the people that enjoy my work."

"What about your PI business?"

"I hired two full time investigators to do the actual work. Sometimes detectives Ryan or Esposito will take a case for some extra money. Alexis runs the office and decides what cases we take. Most of them are pretty cut and dry, you know, background checks for businesses or spouses suspecting their significant other of cheating... The type of cases that I wouldn't be interested in anyway..."

"Sounds like you've got a pretty full life..." Burke pauses not sure how to phrase his question in a positive manner. "What about your social life? Are you dating again?"

The smile on Castle's face disappears as soon as the questions are asked, replaced with a look of sadness. "To answer your questions, I make public appearances when necessary. Alexis or mother usually accompany to those events... And no, I'm not dating." Rick takes another drink from his water and lets out a sigh of frustration. "It appears that everyone I know believes that I need to find someone. First it was mother, then it was Alexis, then it was Gina, then Paula, then Lanie, then..."

Burke puts his hand up in surrender. "Okay, okay, I get it. Why do you think that everyone wants you to start dating again?"

"They think that the only way that I'll get over Kate will be to find someone else... It's not like trading in a used car for a new one... You don't just replace one love with another. Trust me, I know from experience..."

"You say that, yet you were able to be married three times." Burke counters.

Castle laughs. "What can I say? I was an idiot that believed in finding someone to love, to share my life with. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm not worthy of being loved by anyone who's not related to me..."

Burke frowns at Rick's self depreciation. "Do you honestly believe that?"

"The evidence speaks for itself. Three failed marriages. Three times that I wasn't enough..."

"Could it be three times that the person you married failed you? You seem to be drawn to strong willed independent women. The type of women that have a hard time sharing their personal life with anyone. Every one of these women were never married before. Never had to make the compromises that a marriage requires. Did you ever wonder why none of them ever remarried? Some people are not willing to give of themselves to make a marriage work... "

Rick listened intently to what the doctor said. Burke has told him nearly the same thing on several occasions, yet for some reason, this time it seemed to make sense. "Are you saying that the reason my marriages failed wasn't my fault?"

"No, what I am saying is that whatever caused your marriages to fail, it wasn't _all_ your fault. Sometimes marriages fail simply because people change over time. The goals and aspirations that they once shared change..."

It was at that moment that Rick had an Epiphany. _'True love only exists in fairy tales and romance novels. A sucker's bet that will forever punish you for believing. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. It's time to quit believing in the impossible and accept things for how they really are. It's time for page 6 Rick to make a reappearance...'_ Castle smiled at the thought as he rose up from his chair, and walked in front of Dr Burke, extending his hand.

"Thank you doc for everything. You've been a big help, but I think I'll take it from here..."

Somewhat stunned, Burke rose up from his seat and shook Castle's hand. "Good luck Mr Castle. Remember I'm here if you need me."

Rick simply smiles as he walks out the door.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Many thanks for the reviews. This chapter is a little long, but I needed to cover the same time period for Kate as I did Rick.**

 **September 28, 2016: Kate's POV**

Kate Beckett sat behind the desk of her office staring out the window overlooking the Sacramento river. She took another sip of her Starbucks coffee, frowning at it's bitter taste. Truth be told, she hadn't had a good cup of coffee since she left New York and her old life. "One year." Kate whispered to herself as she glances down at the folder on her desk. She'd followed Mike Royce's example and became a skip tracer as all of her other options in law enforcement evaporated because of the choices she made.

Thanks to the unexpected windfall of money that Castle provided, she was able to move from Reno and start her own agency here. It had been slow at first, but with her reputation from her days in Reno and fierce determination, her business was finally starting to turn a profit. She was proud of herself for a fleeting moment.

Beckett shuddered while taking a sip of her coffee as she recalls how she, in a period of 48 hours, threw away her career and the man that loved her without question.

 _ **September 29, 2015:**_

 _Kate walked confidently into the 12_ _th_ _precinct the morning after she left Castle. She'd spent the night alone in a nearby hotel room working out a can't miss plan in her mind. She'd use her spare time and NYPD resources to help track down LockSat and bring justice to McCord and her teammates._

 _She wasn't expecting to see deputy commissioner Gates sitting in what used to be her office, sitting behind what used to be her desk. Kate cautiously approaches what she thought was her office as Gates recognizes her. "Ah Ms Beckett, it's so good that you could make it in today..." You could cut the sarcasm in her voice with a knife._

 _Beckett couldn't help but flinch at Gates addressing her as if she was a civilian. The deputy commissioner gestures to the visitor chairs facing the desk. "Please sit down. Close the door behind you."_

 _Kate does as instructed as Gates looks at the folder in front of her. She can only guess that it is her personnel record that her boss is looking at. Gates looks directly at Beckett as she speaks. "You've been quite busy the last few days... I didn't know that you were still in the employ of the Attorney General's office..."_

" _Sir, I..." Gates hold up her hand stopping Kate from speaking._

" _Let's see... You failed to report for duty on your first day as captain. You didn't tell anyone where you were going, not even your husband... You broke several NYPD regs in your little quest... Then you let the media in on your little plan to draw out these killers. We've got our PR people working overtime tying to clean up the mess you made... "_

" _Sir I had no choice in the matter. I was called by a AG analyst who's life was in danger. A class seven distress signal. He told me that my former team when I worked with the AG had been murdered. I thought that I could bring him in by myself."_

" _Did you know this analyst?"_

" _No sir. He just started working with the AG's office a few months ago."_

" _Did you have any proof that your team had been murdered? Did you contact anyone in the AG's office to confirm that these people were actually murdered?"_

" _No sir. I didn't have enough time. I was trying to save his life."_

" _Didn't it strike you as odd that an analyst you never met, calls a former employee asking for you to rescue him? Did you even consider that he might have been working with the people that killed the others?"_

 _Kate suddenly felt foolish for her rash behavior. She knew that Gates was correct in her assumptions and could honestly offer no plausible defense for her actions other than her desire to rescue the analyst. Rather than say anything that would further upset the deputy commissioner, Beckett sat there stoically, waiting for her to finish._

" _When I was offered this job, they asked me who would be the best candidate to take my place here. I didn't hesitate recommending you for this job. I thought that once you married Mr Castle, you were ready to focus on your career. I thought that you had matured from the woman that I had to suspend for doing nearly the exact same thing three years ago. I thought that you learned your lesson, but you didn't even tell your husband what you were doing. He called me panic stricken thinking that you had a meeting with me. Why didn't you tell him?"_

" _It was classified. I wasn't allowed to say anything."_

" _That's bullshit and you know it. You weren't an agent of the AG's office. In fact, if I remember correctly, you were fired for leaking classified information to the press. Didn't you?" Kate can only nod her head in response. "You seem to have a sliding scale for right and wrong to justify whatever actions you take. The captain of the 12_ _th_ _precinct has to see everything as either black or white, legal or illegal. There is no room for grey. My entire career with Internal Affairs was spent investigating people like you. People who thought that the rules applied to everyone but themselves."_

" _Sir, that's not true." Becket replies in an almost pleading tone._

" _Ah, but it is true. You knew that your were violating protocol by going off half-cocked to bring in a man you never met before, that you had no idea if he was telling you the truth. A man that broke the AG's office's protocols by even contacting you."_

 _Gates closes the personnel folder on her desk, letting out a sigh of resignation. "I have no choice but to suspend you without pay pending a formal review and final disposition. Your badge and gun please..."_

 _Kate sat there stunned. She expected Gates to give her a dressing down for her actions, maybe even a couple of days off, but not this. All of her plans revolved around her being able to use NYPD resources to help her bring down LockSat. Without her job, she had nothing to use. "Sir please..."_

 _Once again Gates held up her hand to stop her from speaking. "Your badge and gun now." Her voice was firm, resolute._

 _Beckett pushes herself to her feet, pulling the badge that was attached to her slacks loose and placing it on what up to a minute ago was her desk. She pulls her service weapon from its holster, cleared the chamber and laid the gun on her desk._

" _It's a shame that it's come to this Beckett. You'll be notified of the date for your hearing, but it's just a formality. You were on probation with your new job and you can be dismissed without cause. With one thirty day suspension for similar misconduct already in your folder, there's little hope that they'll let you continue to work with the NYPD at any level..."_

 _Too stunned to speak, Kate takes the box containing her belongings that she hadn't had the time to put up in the first place and leaves what was her office. Standing near the door Ryan gives her a sympathetic look while Espo can only glare at her. She walks past the two men that had been her brothers in arms without a word and makes her way to the elevator fighting back tears._

 _Suddenly without a home or a job, Kate wondered what her next move would be. Convinced that the AG's office would take her back as a reward for throwing her career away to save their analyst, Kate made a call to deputy director Friedman. Speaking to his secretary, she arranged to meet with him the next day. Kate hails a taxi and gives the driver directions to her father's apartment. 'He'll take me in.' She thought to herself as the cab made its way through the city traffic. Once inside her father's apartment, she places the box of her belongings along with her overnight bag on the floor by the door. The apartment was empty as her father was at work. Using her iPhone, she books a flight to DC for later that day. Kate figured that she'd buy a new outfit to wear before she heads to the airport._

 _If she was honest with herself, she was a little surprised that no one from Castle's family had contacted her by now. She was sure that Rick had probably told them already. Grabbing the legal pad sitting on the kitchen counter, Kate hastily scribbles out a note telling her father where she was going. She didn't tell him that she left Rick._

 _ **September 30, 2015**_

 _The meeting with Friedman didn't exactly go as she hoped. He thanked her for her efforts to save his analyst and then told her that there was no way she could get her old job back after being fired the first time. She fought back her anger and thanked him for listening._

 _She had no chance at bringing down LockSat without a contact within an intelligence agency. Kate took the next flight back to New York and prepared to face her father._

 _Jim Beckett was not a stupid man and as a recovering alcoholic, could spot another addict. He listened quietly as Kate explained what she had done in the last three days and the results. He wanted to feel sorry for her but he couldn't. He loved her, but he couldn't sit quietly and watch his daughter throw her life away. The problem was he was afraid that it was already too late._

 _Jim pushed himself up from his chair where he had sat quietly and started to pace the room. "What do you want me to tell you Katie? That everything is going to be fine? Because I can't. You've thrown everything away. And for what?" His voice grew louder as he tried to reel in his anger._

" _Maybe this was a bad idea." Kate mumbled as she tries to get up from the sofa._

 _Jim stands in front of her, his eyes red rimmed with unshed tears. "Oh no you don't! Your days of making me feel guilty because I crawled into a bottle after Johanna was murdered are over. I got help and carried on with my life because THAT is what your mother would have wanted us to do. I looked the other way as you let yourself be consumed with your quest to find out who murdered your mother. I kept my mouth shut while you ran off to Washington in search of your next thrill. But not this time..."_

 _Jim started to pace the room again as Kate sat there stunned by her father's anger. "Do you think that this is what your mother wanted for you? It's like I'm talking to 19 year old Kate again. The one that lied to your mother and I saying that you were staying at school to study during the Thanksgiving holiday rather than fly home to be with us. Your mother found out about your little getaway to Las Vegas when the credit card bills came in. Little did we know at the time, you went and got married as a drunken prank. At least your mother never found out about that... You stayed with your lie until she showed you the bills..."_

" _Dad, I..." Kate tries to interject but is quickly dismissed._

" _And now you come to me with this? I'd tell you to crawl back to Rick and beg his forgiveness, but I honestly think that it's too late for that. That man loved you like no man ever will and you took him for granted." Jim paused fighting back the urge to tell her how ashamed her mother would be of her. Sighing in defeat, he raked his fingers through his hair. "You can stay here until you figure out what you're going to do next... You always have a place with me, even if I'm mad at you."_

" _Thank you dad. It'll just be a couple of days while I figure out what to do next." Kate replies her voice barely above a whisper._

 _Jim knelt down and wrapped his arms around Kate in a tight hug as he whispers into her ear. "No matter how I feel about you, I love you." Kate burst into tears as her father held her in his arms._

 _ **October 3, 2015:**_

 _Her calls to Esposito all went to voicemail and were never returned. She managed to speak to Ryan who gave her the name of a retired cop turned skip tracer who may know about work. Kevin was polite enough, but she could tell that he was clearly uncomfortable speaking to her._

 _Kate didn't bother to attend her hearing with the commissioner. She knew what the outcome would be beforehand and there was no need to suffer another dressing down from anyone else at the moment. Lanie tried but could not remain impartial as Kate told her side of the story a few days after she was fired. They decided to meet at what Kate hoped would be a neutral site for dinner and drinks. The last thing that she wanted was to be yelled at by her best friend. Lanie listened in total silence as Kate told her side of the story. The ME already knew most of the story after a call to Alexis the day Kate was asked to leave the 12_ _th_ _._

 _Kate finished her side of the story and waited for Mount Parish to explode. She was shocked when all Lanie asked was. "What do you want from me Beckett?"_

" _I was wondering if you could get in touch with Rick and make arrangements for me to get my clothes out of his loft?"_

" _Sure Beckett. I'll be your go-between. That's what friends do right?" Lanie replies flatly._

 _Her best friend's calm demeanor frightened her. Kate could see the anger in Laine's eyes. "Thank you Lanie. I owe you. I'm staying at dads until I figure out my next move."_

" _Okay Beckett. I'll take care of it..." Lanie starts to push her chair away from the table. "If that's all you need from me, then I'll let you get back to your new life..."_

 _Kate tries to reach out for her and grab Lanie's arm to stop her, but lets go as soon as she sees the rage in her eyes._

" _Kate, I've done my duty as a best friend. I listened to your bullshit story. I even offered to do your dirty work. It's taking every bit of restraint that I have in me to refrain from beating the shit out of you right now, hoping to knock some sense into that thick skull of yours. You had it all and you pissed it away for what? Justice? Will justice keep you warm on a cold winter's night? Will justice pay your bills? For years I listened to you moan and whine about your love life. Then Castle comes along and what do you do? You screw him over every chance you could. And the idiot kept coming back. It wasn't until you thought that he'd given up on you for good that you decided that you wanted him. What a putz! If he was half as smart as he thinks he is, he'd ran away from you so fast your head would swim." Lanie was nearly seething as she finished speaking._

 _Lanie reaches into her purse and tosses a twenty on the table. "I've lost my appetite. I'll call you when I've got your shit ready to pick up at my place." The angry ME turns and walks out of the restaurant leaving a shocked Beckett in her wake._

 _ **October 30, 2015:**_

 _Kate made final preparations for her move to Reno. Through a few contacts that she had left in the NYPD that would still talk to her, she learned about a bail bondsman that was looking for a skip tracer. A fancy name for a bounty hunter. Lots of retired cops become bounty hunters. It's a way to carry a gun and get some of the thrills of being a cop without all of the hassles._

 _Castle had made arrangements with movers that took everything except for her clothing and put them in a storage locker. He even paid for the first year in advance._

 _True to her word Lanie called her a few days after their aborted dinner to let her know that she had all of her clothes and personal items._

 _Kate put her Harley in storage with the other items from the loft. Once she was settled into her new job, she'd ship everything at one time. Beckett purchased her first car to drive out west. As a native New Yorker, she never had the need to own one. The NYPD provided one for her while she was a cop and the AG's office provided her one when she was in DC._

 _She opted for a slightly used Mercedes C-class. She'd gotten used to driving Castles S-500 and didn't feel like shelling out 100K for such a vehicle. The vehicle was loaded and she was making her goodbyes to her father when there was a knock at the door. Jim went to answer it and said that the courier had a letter for her. Beckett signed for the document and the courier quickly departed. Kate gasps as she sees the document was from Castle's attorney. Tearing the envelope open, her worst fears were realized. Castle had filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences as the reason. For some strange reason, holding the proof of her failure as a wife hurt more than she thought was possible. Then she felt the circular bump in the envelope. She didn't need to see what it was. She knew it was the wedding band that she placed on his finger just a year ago._

 _ **December 25, 2015:**_

 _Christmas was just like any other day for Kate. She spent the better part of the day checking on the whereabouts of a drug dealer who skipped out on his court appearance. The bail bondsman would have to eat a million dollar bail if he didn't appear in the next three days. Kate would track him down and earn her commission._

 _After a slow start, she got the hang of being a bounty hunter. Most of the time the people she chased after gave up without a fight as soon as they were caught. There were always exceptions, usually thugs with more brawn than brain. They'd take one look at her and think she was a pushover. Kate really enjoyed taking these meatheads down, usually with her taser or her baton. Her boss was impressed with her work ethic and her success bringing in the hard to find fugitives. She seemed to thrive on the hunt, the thrill of the chase._

 _She sat alone in one of the casino bars sipping her beer and wondering what Christmas was like at Castle's loft. She couldn't help but smile remembering his child-like excitement with the holiday. Their only Christmas together as husband and wife was filled with with lavish gifts from Rick and parties with their friends and family. She looks around the bar and sees the other people there alone, nursing their drinks and wonders if similar mistakes led them here also._

 _Her dissolution was finalized a few days earlier. She received the final paperwork Christmas eve. Because they had been married less than a year, there was a prenuptial agreement, and no community property in question, a dissolution was agreed to by both of their lawyers. Part of the prenuptial agreement had a sliding scale for a cash settlement to her if the marriage ended which she had forgotten about. It was pretty simple, the longer she stayed married, the more money she received in the settlement._

 _Kate never considered the settlement when she walked out on Rick. The money never entered into the equation. That was why she insisted on the prenup in the first place. There would never be a question as to why she was marrying him. She vaguely remembered that if they were married less than a year, she would get nothing. Inside the envelope containing the final court documents was another envelope also from Castle's attorney. She opens it and gasps seeing the check for $500,000.00. Attached to the check was a yellow post-it note. She recognized the handwriting immediately as Rick's._ _ **A little something to help you get started with your new life. Hope you finally find what you want, Rick.**_ _She cried and clutched the note to her chest as if it was something precious._

 _That was why she was sitting alone in a Reno bar hoping to drink enough to ease the pain._

 _Kate vaguely heard the background music in the bar as it was playing Christmas songs. She stopped what she was doing as she listened to the lyrics of 'I Believe in Father Christmas' . The final lyric struck her like a bolt of lightning -_ _ **Hallelujah Noel, be it heaven or hell, the Christmas you get you deserve.**_

" _Merry Christmas." She said to herself mockingly as she took another drink from her beer._

 _X-X-X_

What Kate would never know was that while she was sitting alone in a bar drowning her sorrows, Rick, Rita, Jackson, and a handful of trusted CIA operatives were having their own Christmas party less than a hundred miles away outside a chalet near Lake Tahoe. Deputy director Nicholas Quinn was having his holiday getaway with his latest mistress, an agency analyst that he'd promised to 'help' with her career. The two were enjoying themselves in his bedroom when the team breached the CIA provided security system that protected the cabin.

Rick had been a man possessed to bring down LockSat since the moment Kate walked out of his life. Using his contacts and resources, along with his newly discovered stepmother, they were able to gather enough evidence to find out who was actually running the show. What they discovered was a network of CIA and DEA agents all working to keep their secret supply of drugs flowing to the US. Vulcan Simmons death changed nothing. There would always be someone that would be willing to take his place as long as there was a supply of drugs to sell.

The evidence was irrefutable. All they had to do was follow the money. Jackson had obtained the sanction order from the director of the DNI after seeing the evidence and was given the green light to take down the entire operation with his team. The CIA, DEA and NSA was under enough scrutiny as it was at the time without adding a scandal like this.

Wearing all black, Hunt enters the bedroom while the others kept watch to make sure that he had no security detail anywhere. There was no look of surprise on Quinn's face as Jackson entered the room and fired a single shot between the traitor's eyes. He calmly walks out of the bedroom leaving the stunned mistress, too afraid to scream.

The official story to the press would be that Quinn died from a heart attack while engaged in a 'liaison' with his unidentified girlfriend. There would be no mention of his traitorous actions. The CIA would save face.

Rick was standing outside the chalet afterwards and smiles as he stares into the crystal clear winter sky. The moon seemed to light up the sky revealing every star. He offers a sad smile as he whispers to himself. "Merry Christmas Kate."

Over the next few weeks, a rash of 'accidents', heart attacks, and aneurisms took out all of the guilty parties. Castle had no part in any of this, having returned to New York after taking down Quinn. His only notification was a text message saying simply 'It's over.'

Kate Beckett would never know.

 **AN2:** I held out hope that Beckett would see the error of her judgment and come running back to Castle, then episode 803 came along and killed any logical chance for a reconciliation. The whole story had taken a turn from sad, to down right stupid. I mean Kate returns to her captain's job and nothing is said about her reckless actions? She bans Castle from working on cases, yet we know that he's poker buddies with the commissioner and the mayor and could never make the ban stick. Kate must be wearing a blue leotard with a big yellow 'S' under her clothes . I mean, she has the time to do the administrative duties that the captain's job requires and work on cases in the field, while her nights are filled with rigorous workouts and hunting down the mysterious LockSat. And Vikram? He can hack any secure system with his laptop? A good fictional story has to have a kernel of believability.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN:** _Once again, thank you for the reviews. This is another long chapter and there are three more to complete this story. I know how irritating it is to get caught up in reading a story and then it is never completed, so I make sure that my stories are finished before I publish the first chapter._

 _Oh, the usual disclaimers apply also. Not mine._

 **September 28, 2017:**

Rick arrived at the restaurant a few minutes later than he planned due to traffic. Rick was on the west coast leg of his book tour and Alexis thought that it would be a good idea for he and Meredith to have dinner and catch-up. He was sure that it was a bad idea, but gave in to his daughter when she gave him her sad puppy-dog eyes.

Castle hoped that Meredith was also late as he didn't want to start the evening off with a lecture from her about how to get around LA. Handing the keys to the valet, he walked to where the hostess was standing. He smiled at the young girl, probably a few years younger than Alexis and informed her that he had a reservation under the name Castle. She smiled as she scanned her list finding his name.

"Yes, here you are. Table for two correct?" Rick simply nods. "Would you like to wait for your date?"

Rick couldn't help but stiffen just a little at the thought of Meredith being his date. Feigning a smile, Rick simply replies. "No that will be fine. Just bring her back when she arrives." The young woman simply nods and leads him back to his table. She hands him a menu and tells him that a waiter will be by shortly to take his drink order. Rick thanks her as she walks away.

The waiter soon arrives and Castle simply ordered a sparkling water. The last thing he wanted to do was become drunk enough to either publicly argue with Meredith, or consider an offer from her to come back to her place. He was pretty sure that he'd never be drunk enough to ask her back to his hotel room.

Rick was nearly finished with his water when Meredith makes her entrance. He had to admit that she still looked stunning. He was sure that she'd had a few 'nips and tucks' to help maintain her youthful appearance, but she didn't look like a woman that would be turning fifty in a couple of years. Her emerald green cocktail dress clung like a second skin, accentuating her obvious assets. He couldn't help but smile as rose to his feet.

Meredith quickly closed the distance between the two of them wrapping her arms around him in a hug. "Kitten, it's so good to see you..." She rises on her toes to place a warm kiss on his cheek causing Castle to reflexively flinch at the contact. "I've missed you Ricky..." She whispers into his ear before he can pull away.

"Meredith, you look as lovely as ever." Rick comments as he calms himself.

Meredith backs away a little to twirl around as if modeling. "Oh this old thing?" She gives him a mischievous smile. "I remember how much you always liked me in green... As much as I liked to see you in blue... Or with nothing at all..." She can't help but laugh at how uncomfortable he looks at her mention of seeing him in the nude. "Relax kitten, I'm not going to rape you. Unless you'd like that sort of thing..."

"Maybe this was a bad idea..." Rick comments as if he was talking to himself.

Meredith looked him over as he gestured for her to take a seat. He'd lost a lot of weight since she saw him nearly five years ago. His hair was as thick and neatly styled as it ever was. Only now it was peppered with grey throughout. His face looked older, tired. What was most alarming was his eyes. Those wonderful blue eyes that always seemed to sparkle with mischief were now dull and lifeless. She wanted to reach out, wrap him in her arms and tell him that everything will be ok. She'd given up any opportunity to do that the day she decided that sleeping with her director would be a good career move.

Drawing from her acting skills, she pastes a big smile on her face and replies as she sits at the table. "Nonsense darling, we've got some catching up to do. How long has it been? Five years?"

Rick simply nods his head in response.

Alexis had warned her about how much Rick had changed since the last time she saw him, but she was shocked by the man sitting in front of her. To anyone who didn't know him closely, he appeared to be the same as he always was. Having an actress as a mother and a spy as a father must have genetically given him the skills to be able convince others that he was the same Rick Castle that they saw in the past. But she knew better. Meredith could see this was not the same Richard Castle that she married twenty-four years ago.

Wanting to find a safe subject to talk about, she thinks about all of the things that Alexis has told her about him over the last few years. She was so proud of her daughter. Alexis was everything that she wished that she was herself, beautiful, smart, successful and charming. Just like her father. Or at least just like he used to be.

"So Alexis tells me that you're a pilot now. Says you even have your own plane. Nice..."

"Yeah, you remember how I wished that I could afford my own plane?" Meredith simply smiles and nods her head. "I'd wanted to learn to fly since I was a child. To have that feeling of freedom..."

"So how long have you been flying?"

"Almost two years. I started taking lessons against mother's and Alexis' wishes..." He pauses to smile at the recollection of how they both were convinced that he would figure out a way to kill himself. "They didn't understand why I'd invest the time and money learning to do something that I've been paying others to do for me all my life. They didn't understand why I needed to do it. For me..."

"Well I think that it's great!" Meredith gives him a sincere smile as she reaches across the table to take his hand in hers. She could feel a slight flinch at first contact, but his hands relaxed as she gently squeezed them in a reassuring manner. "So tell me, Mr hot-shot big time pilot, what brings you out to LA?" Meredith already knew why he was here from Alexis, but simply wanted to keep the conversation going.

He started to speak, but was interrupted by the presence of the waiter wanting to know if they were ready to order. They both apologized and asked for a few minutes to look over the menu. The waiter withdrew and they both started examining the menu. "Have you eaten here before?" Rick inquires.

"No, have you?" She counters as Rick simply shakes his head in response. "You must have some connections because I heard that there's a three week wait for a reservation. The Times gave this place four stars in their review..."

"Thank your daughter then. She must have pulled some strings to get us in here." Rick knew that Alexis and Meredith had grown closer since Kate decided that her 'quest' was more important than him, or his family.

"I will." Rick replies as he scans the menu. Everything looked good and he hoped that they could enjoy a meal together. The waiter returned and they placed their orders. He suggested a wine to go with their appetizer and main course to which they agreed as he took the menus away with him.

The two sat there in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes as Rick looked everywhere but directly at his ex-wife. 'I should have learned my lesson after Meredith.' Rick thought to himself as he looked around the dining room at the other couples having romantic dinners. The wine steward stops at the table and presents the bottle to them handing Rick the first sample for his blessing. He takes a sip and smiles in approval as the steward fills their glasses and sets the bottle on the table. He quickly walks away leaving the couple alone again in silence.

Meredith couldn't help but feel guilty seeing the man across from her. She shared some of the blame for his pain, but she wan't the only one. Meredith had met him soon after Kira's rejection all those years ago. He had the same defeated look in his eyes then when she met him at a party Martha Rodgers had thrown.

X-X-X

 _Martha always threw extravagant wrap parties for her fellow cast members and Meredith was an understudy to one of the other female leads in the play. Meredith was more than a little jealous of Martha and her success at that time._

 _She spotted him standing alone nursing a drink. She could see that he, like her were far younger than the majority of the people at the party and decided to introduce herself. The physical attraction that she felt for him was immediate and only increased when he turned to look at her with his deep blue eyes. His posture indicated that he was not at all comfortable in this situation and she wondered why he was here._

" _Don't you hate these parties?" Meredith smiles as she walks up to him._

" _I know what you mean." Castle calmly replies and offers a grin. "I was forced into coming... And you?"_

" _You know how it is. When the lead actress throws a party for the cast, it's bad form not to attend..." She returns her own sly grin to him. "It also keeps them from making up terrible stories about why you couldn't attend." She extends her hand to him. "My name is Meredith Lane and you are?"_

 _Rick takes his hand in hers and gives it a gentle squeeze. "Richard Castle. It's a pleasure to meet you miss Lane."_

" _Please call me Meredith. So tell me Richard, are you involved with the play?"_

 _Castle nearly laughs as he replies. "Hardly."_

" _What do you do for a living?"_

" _I'm a writer."_

" _A writer, really? Anything that I may have read?"_

" _I don't know. My last book was A Hail of Bullets. My new book comes out next month."_

" _Never heard of it... But then again, I don't have a lot of spare time to read. Sorry."_

 _Rick simply shrugs his shoulders. "No need to apologize."_

" _You never told me why you're here..." A huge grin appears on her face as she thinks she's came up with the answer. "Please don't tell me that you're Martha Rodgers boy-toy!"_

 _X-X-X_

Rick saw Meredith in deep thought and watched as a huge grin broke across her face. "What's so funny?" He inquires.

Startled from her trip down memory lane she blushes. "I was just thinking about the first time we met. Remember?"

He gives her a warm smile and for the briefest of moments, she sees a slight twinkle in his eyes. "How could I ever forget. You accused me of being mother's boy-toy! I nearly choked on my drink."

"Well, what you didn't choke on, you spat all over me." She counters with her own grin pleased to see a glimmer of the man she once married still there inside. "How was I to know that you were Martha's son? I mean she had quite the reputation as a cougar..."

Rick's smile fades nearly as quickly as it appeared. "Mother was all about image back then... I mean I knew she loved me in her own way, but I always felt that I was her dirty little secret that she didn't want the world to know about... I mean I understand, but..." Rick stares down at the table feeling shame for something that he had no control over. His fondest memories of his mother were of when he was young and she was a struggling actress, taking odd jobs to supplement her income. The struggles brought them together. As he grew older and her career took off, they spent less and less time together. First it was sitters and nannies, then it was boarding schools.

Rick was pulled from his thoughts as the waiter served the main course. Both were pleased with the presentation and thanked the waiter as he walked away. Not waiting on anything, Meredith immediately dove into her entree. Rick has to smile as she gives him a puzzled look and says. "What?"

"I always enjoyed eating out with you. Even when we were dating, you didn't pick at your food as if you were afraid to enjoy your meal..."

Meredith gives Castle a wicked grin. "I never worried about the calories I packed on because I knew that we'd burn them off later..." She has to laugh when she sees the embarrassed look on his face as he realizes what she meant. "That was one area we never had a problem."

Before he could stop himself he blurts out. "If that was true, why did I catch you in bed with your director?" His voice quivering trying to reign in his anger.

Meredith nearly bursts into tears seeing the anguish on his face after all of these years. "I made the biggest mistake of my life that day... I lost everything that day for a damned movie that I really didn't want to do in the first place." She swallows back a gulp as she places her fork down and grabs for the water, taking a large sip to calm her. "I never knew how much I loved you until the day I knew I lost you..."

"Why did you just give up without a fight?"

"I'm a lot of things, but a hypocrite isn't one of them. If I told you that I was sorry and promised to never do it again, you would have taken me back... And for a while things would be fine, but every time I came home late or had another meeting with someone, you'd wonder if I was sleeping with them... That's why you can never come back once you betray someone's trust... There are no do-overs in life..."

Rick listened to Meredith and knew everything she said was true. It was in that moment he realized this was why Kate never returned. She knew that he would never look at her the same way again. That he'd always be waiting for the next quest that she just had to fight on her own. His features softened and he reaches across the table and gently lifts her chin to look into his eyes. "I'm sorry. What I said was insensitive and cruel. Can you forgive me?"

Meredith sniffed as she lifted her napkin from her lap and dabbed at the tears welling up in her eyes. "Damn you Ricky, if my makeup runs because you made me cry, I'm kicking your ass!" She gasps out a laugh.

"How about we start over as two old friends having a wonderful meal?"

"Lets..."

The remainder of the meal was spent in pleasant conversation on safe topics. Meredith talked about her latest project, a cougar on the prowl in one of the prime time soap dramas that were so popular on TV now. Rick had forgotten just how charming she could be when she wanted to. Castle talked about the latest Derrick Storm and the new series of novels he started loosely based on his PI business. He talked about his book tour and Meredith really seemed to be interested.

They both passed on desert and agreed on a coffee before ending their meal. Sipping their coffees quietly, Meredith decides to break the silence. "Thank you Rick."

Castle can only return a confused look in response. "For what?"

"For everything. You are the best father that I could have ever hoped for Alexis. She's a wonderful young woman. She loves you so much..." Meredith pauses to take a deep breath. "I truly wish that I could have been the type of woman that you deserved..."

Castle was surprised by the sincerity in Meredith's voice. "Thank you. That means a lot coming from you. I second-guessed myself constantly while Alexis was young, afraid she'd turn out like me..."

Meredith reaches across the table and takes his hands in hers. "But she did turn out like you. She's smart, and resourceful, kind and caring... I was a terrible mother and yet you made sure that Alexis was there to see me every time I asked." There was an extended pause as Meredith works up the courage to ask the question that has been plaguing her for years. "Do you ever wonder if we'd still be together if I hadn't cheated on you?"

"More times than I care to admit. When we first separated, I convinced myself that I'd made the right choice... But with each milestone in Alexis' life, I'd wonder what it would be like if we were there together to share it..." Castle lifts one of his hands away from hers and takes the pad of his thumb to wipe away a tear that had formed in the corner of her eye. "Can't let a tear ruin the beautiful makeup job you did. Besides, I don't want you kicking my ass after a wonderful meal..." He chuckled to let her know he remembered her warning earlier.

Meredith gives him a sad smile and comments in a small, almost timid voice. "I'm sorry about you and Beckett not being able to make a go of it..." Meredith isn't sure she wants to continue, but feels that Castle needs to know it wasn't his fault, or at least all his fault. "The last time I was in New York at your place, she was staying there with you. I'm embarrassed to admit that I tried to make her jealous just to see how much she cared for you... Call it intuition, jealousy, whatever you want to, but I always had the feeling that you were a little more invested in her than she was in you. I'm ashamed to admit that I may have planted a few seeds of doubt with her when I told her that you knew everything about me and I knew practically nothing about you... I could tell that she had her own vault of secrets and hoped that maybe she'd open up to you if you opened up to her... Obviously, that didn't happen."

Castle thought about Meredith's confession and wonders why Beckett never mentioned it to him. 'Was she right, that Kate was afraid the if she confronted him, that she'd have to do the same about the things that she hid from him?' He offers a feigned smile and thanks her for telling him.

Rick gets up from his seat and walks around the table to assist Meredith. The walk out of the restaurant in silence side by side. Standing there at the entrance as they wait for the valet to bring them their cars, Rick works up the courage to ask the one question that has troubled him for years. "I was wondering... Why you've never remarried? You're a beautiful, vibrant woman that any guy would be lucky to be married to... I know."

Meredith's car appears at the entrance as he finishes asking his question and the valet hops out, handing her keys. She walks around the car and starts to climb inside. He follows her and helps as she gets into her sports car. She looks up at him with the saddest expression that he'd ever seen from her. "When you're married to the best man you'll ever find and you throw him away for your career, there's not much point in looking, is there?"

Castle can see that she is fighting back tears now and feels guilty for asking. He leans into the car and places a soft kiss on her cheek. "Good night Meredith. Thank you for dinner. You'll always have a place in my heart." Rick backs away, gently closes the door and waits as her car disappears into the night traffic.

The drive back to his hotel was spent in silent contemplation of his life. Meredith had given him something that neither Gina nor Kate did, closure. He'd forever be grateful to her for that.

Professionally, his life was a success beyond his wildest dreams. Richard Castle Investigations or RCI as Alexis called it was huge success. They had three full time investigators on staff now, a tech analyst, and an administrative assistant for Alexis who had firmly taken over as the manager.

Personally, his life was a mess. He quickly found out that a forty-something man out with the same twenty-something bimbos hanging on his arm as he had a decade ago, now looks sad and very creepy. The page 6 Rick experiment ended as quickly as it began. He started hanging around the twelfth precinct again to fill his empty time. Ryan and Esposito had both been promoted to Sargent recently and a few new detectives had been added to homicide. The new captain was a political animal and basically let Castle do whatever he wanted, hoping that Rick would put in the good word with his poker buddies, the mayor and commissioner.

Rick enjoyed working with Ryan and Esposito, but without Kate there to run theories with, it just wasn't the same. He still got the same thrill of solving the cases that he always did, but the process was different now. It wasn't long before he stopped coming around the 12th at all. He'd still meet with the two detectives and Lanie at The Old Haunt on occasion and they'd talk about everything except Kate. They all felt a sense of abandonment from her departure, yet never spoke of her.

X-X-X

Five hundred miles miles north of where Rick was at the moment, Kate Beckett sat on her patio and stared at the star filled sky. Her business was doing better than she could have ever hoped. She just hired a secretary and a part time skip tracer to help with the workload. Finally deciding to settle down in the area, she purchased a condo in Citrus Heights. It was another first in her life since she left New York.

She wondered if LockSat had ever been brought to justice. Kate had been tempted so many times to pick up the phone and call Rick to find out. She knew that he would know, but to call him would be an admission that he was right about everything that he said that night two years ago today. All she had left was her pride. She'd thrown away everything else to satisfy her obsession.

She missed Rick and wondered where he was at the moment. Kate had seen the pictures of Rick with various young women at different events. She could see the look in his eyes. He wasn't happy and was probably only doing it at Gina or Paula's request.

Kate hadn't been on a date since her time with Castle. It wasn't like her new job put her in contact with the type of person she'd even consider going out with. While she felt that she didn't deserve to be happy after the way she treated Rick, she hated being alone. She had a few acquaintances since moving to Sacramento, but no one that she would consider a friend. She missed being able to confide in Lanie more that she ever thought she would.

Kate still talked to her father, but those conversations were always strained and uncomfortable. She could hear the disappointment in his voice every time they talked. She had promised to fly back to New York for his birthday last month, but had to cancel due to a case that couldn't wait. When she called to cancel, she could hear the letdown he felt as Jim said that it was no problem. Her father hadn't initiated a call to her since.

Beckett knew that her life would forever remain this way unless she took action to change. The real problem was she wasn't sure if she really wanted to change. Maybe this is just the way things are? She pondered to herself.

"No. This is not the way I want to spend the rest of my life!" Kate nearly shouted to herself as she picks up the phonebook searching for therapists...


	5. Chapter 5

_**September 28, 2020**_

"You are cleared to land on vector 1 9 0, over." The voice from the control tower echoed into his headset.

"Rodger that. Course set for 1, 9, 0." Castle replies as he lines up for his final approach to land at Bob Hope airport in Burbank. Adjusting the flaps, he makes final preparations to land his Cessna Citation Mustang. It was a chamber of commerce day in Los Angeles. The Santa Ana winds had blown the smog out to the ocean and the skies were as blue as Alexis' eyes.

Minutes later, he taxied the small jet to the hanger where it would stay until his return flight. Arrangements had been made for routine service while he was in the city and all should be ready before he returns to New York in a couple of days. Taking his bag from the storage compartment, he carries it to the car that he had rented while he was here.

Soon Rick was on the freeway cursing the moving traffic jam that LA seemed to always be. He was doing double duty this trip. Promoting his latest Derrick Storm novel and overseeing the opening of the west coast office of Richard Castle Investigations. He couldn't help but smile when he thought about how he took on-line courses in secret to get his PI license. He'd been kicked out of the 12th for having ties to a mafia family that had been involved in the murder of a corrupt federal agent. While Rick knew nothing about the murder, it was still guilt by association.

But Rick wouldn't be content to be put on the sidelines by anyone. He'd spent six years solving cases with the NYPD and had grown to love the challenges. Richard Castle Investigations opened originally as a way to satisfy his unquenchable need to know the rest of the story. After the 'rejection' as he liked to refer to it, he focused all of his time and attention to making the business succeed. It was trying, but soon word got around the entertainment business that RCI was the agency that would deliver discretion and results.

By the end of the second year, the offices were expanded again and three full time investigators were hired. One of them was a retired NYPD detective that Rick had known from his time there. The other two were ex CIA that Castle had worked with when he was shadowing Sophia Turner. Alexis was president of the business now and seemed to have a real understanding of what was important to the clients and to the bottom line.

The business continued to grow and there were several requests from celebrities and studios on the west coast that wanted to use his services. It quickly became apparent that a LA office for RCI was needed. Tomorrow would be the grand opening and he would meet the staff today for any last minute changes necessary. He'd finally meet the person that Alexis had hired to manage this branch. He trusted her judgment completely. She would remain one of only two women that he could ever trust without question.

RCI had leased a suite of offices on the second floor of one of the more prestigious buildings in downtown LA. The rent was high, but compared to his Manhattan offices, it was a bargain. He entered the secure parking facility below the building, flashing his new ID card to the guard there. The guard gave him directions to where his reserved spot was as he raised the security gate.

Exiting the car, he quickly made his way to the stairs, deciding to walk rather than ride the elevator for just three floors. He'd never considered climbing the thirty flights required to get to his Manhattan offices. For that matter, he rarely climbed to four flights to get to his loft. Opening the door, Rick looked down the hallway where the construction crew was making last second changes and cleaning up their debris. Stepping inside the entrance, he smiled at how much it resembled his New York office. The glare of glass and chrome softened by dark woods and leathers. There was a flurry of activity as people scurried from spot to spot getting all of the equipment in place and the offices ready.

Castle couldn't contain his smile as he watched the organized chaos before him. "Look sharp people. The boss will be here any minute." Called out a young man as he scurried from one office to the next. Two young women were in a heated debate about something as he approached.

Not wanting to eavesdrop, Rick interrupts the two women. "Excuse me, but could you direct me to Brooke Lopez's office?"

Without turning to see who was speaking, the first woman replies in a condescending voice. "And you would be?"

"Richard Castle."

The one woman facing him gasps all color leaving her face, while the other turns embarrassed beyond belief. "I, I'm so sorry. Please follow me. I'll take you to her." She nearly sprints in the direction of her manager's office as Rick follows behind her fighting back a laugh. The young woman sticks her head inside of the door and speaks. "Miss Lopez, mister Castle here to see you."

"Send him in please Nancy."

Rick walks into the large office as her back was still turned away from him. He could see that she had long light brown hair with streaks of blonde throughout. Rising to her feet, she turned to face him and he nearly fainted at the painful memories her visage provoked. 'It's not her, it's not her.' He repeated to himself as he regained his composure.

She offered a warm smile as she extends her hand to him. "Richard Castle, it's a pleasure to meet you."

Still stunned by her close resemblance to the woman that broke his heart, he quickly takes her hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze. "The pleasure is all mine Ms Lopez." He quickly releases her hand as he offers his own smile.

Brooke was good at reading people. Twenty years with the LAPD had conditioned her to spot the little tells that people have. "Are you all right Mr Castle?" She asks with a genuine look of concern for him.

Suddenly embarrassed by his behavior, he quickly adjusts. "I'm fine. It's just that you reminded me of someone... And please call me Rick, or Castle. Everyone else does."

Brooke smiles, deciding not to press the issue. She had a similar reaction from Alexis the first time she met her to interview for the job. "So Rick, do you think that we'll be ready for tomorrow?"

Castle smiled at the comfortable way she called him Rick. It seemed natural. "Alexis says that you're the perfect fit for the job and I trust her completely."

Lopez could feel the pride and adoration that he felt for his daughter as he spoke about her. "She's quite a young woman... Is there anything that I can do for you?"

"I thought that I was the one supposed to ask that Ms Lopez?" Rick starts to relax a little as his mind accepts that the woman that he is speaking to is not her. "I mean I'm good for pep talks and better at check writing." He says with a small smirk.

Brooke can't help but to laugh at the comment. "No, save the pep talks for tomorrow and I'd have to answer to your daughter if I needed any more money to get this place open.." She pauses for a moment thinking about the warning that his daughter had given her a few days ago. She'd warned her that Castle might be a little withdrawn at first sight, but that he'd come around. She could see that he had been hurt deeply, but somehow had found a way to move on with life.

Rick pushed himself up from the plush leather guest chair and extends his hand to her. "I'll get out of your way then. I'll see you tomorrow Ms Lopez."

She rises up from her chair and takes his hand in hers, giving it an equally gentle squeeze. "I'll see you tomorrow Rick." Releasing his hand Castle quickly turns and starts towards the door. "Oh, and Rick."

Castle stops and turns to face her in the doorway.

"Please call me Brooke." Lopez comments as she gives him a smile.

Minutes later, Castle was back on the freeway inching his way to Beverly Hills and the Hilton he always stayed in when he was here. He was still coming to terms with just how much Brooke looked like 'her'. Granted a version of 'her' with a couple of years, a few pounds and larger breasts, but still 'her'. Rick knew that it was childish and immature to never speak the name of the woman who gutted him like a fish, but it was his only way of coping. Speaking her name was too painful still.

He pulls into the covered entrance to the Beverly Hills Hilton and hands the keys to the valet as he grabs his bag from the trunk. Maurice, the concierge was there to greet him as usual. "Mr Castle, it's so good to see you again. What brings you to the city of the angels? Business, or pleasure?"

Rick can only smile at the concierge's enthusiasm. "Business, I'm afraid. I'm opening a new business out here."

"Well congratulations are in order then." Maurice replies as he leads him to his suite.

Luckily, this is not his first time back since the 'rejection', yet the memories of their time together here came rushing back anyway as he enters the room. Rick peels off a fifty and slips it into the concierge's palm, thanking him for his help.

"Just call if you need anything Mr Castle." Maurice smiles as he exits the room, closing the large doors behind him.

Castle stands there in the center of the room and stares at the doors on either side that lead to bedrooms. Without thinking, he walks to the room that was always his when he visited on his right and opens the door, tossing his bag on the bed and quickly moving to the bar. Glancing at his watch, he notices that it's only a little after five. His body was still on east coast time and he was tired from his flight across the country.

He loved the freedom that he felt flying his own jet. It was a reward to himself to celebrate his success as both a businessman and author. The Old Haunt was one of the trendiest bars in the city, his PI business was expanding to the west coast, and his twentieth Derrick Storm novel just released to record sales and critical acclaim. Yet none of that really mattered to him as he prepares the text message telling her that he was safe in his hotel room.

X-X-X

The grand opening of his newest office went exactly as planned. They had a portfolio of clients established from the New York office that would simply move closer to where they should be. Several studios had already expressed an interest in using Rick's agency for background checks and to keep an eye on a few of their actors. Castle thanked everyone involved and then left for a lunch interview with a reporter from the Times followed by a book signing at the Barnes and Nobel downtown.

The interview went well as Castle was candid about his past experience working with the NYPD that led to him creating his PI agency. (He left out the part about the his suspension from the 12th precinct for having close ties to a gangster.) He talked about Derrick Storm and the success of the series. The reporter then asks about Nikki Heat and why he abandoned the series like he did. Castle calmly responds that he had taken that story as far as he could and felt that he could no longer give the character the justice she deserved. He had answered this question more times than he cared to admit over the last four years, each time saying the exact same thing.

The book signing went equally well and he was surprised at the large turnout this early in the afternoon on a weekday. The majority there were female, his age or older. For some strange reason, Castle's spy novels seemed to sell as well with women as they did men. Most men didn't feel the need to meet him or have their book autographed. Regardless of their reasons, Rick appreciated each and every one of them for coming.

A PR assistant from Black Pawn was there to help organize the book signing and keep the crowds orderly while other shoppers went about their business in the large book store. Rick was his usual charming self, willing to pose for pictures and personalize his autograph for everyone who asked. After taking a short break to give his cramping hand a respite for a few minutes, he was back working with the crowd. The assistant closed off the line leaving quite a few late arrivers on the wrong side disappointed. As usual, he had the assistant get the names and addresses for those who wished to receive and autographed photo as a thank you for their support.

Rick thanked the assistant and the store personnel for their help and was on his way up the freeway and back to the airport. Minutes later he was in the air for the 45 minute flight to San Jose. Gina had arranged for a couple of interviews and a book signing there the next day. The tour would continue on to San Francisco, Portland and finally Seattle, before he returned to New York.

X-X-X

Beckett scribbled a few notes on her legal pad as she read the schedule of Rick's book signings from his website. He was scheduled to be in San Francisco the day after tomorrow. "Perfect." She said to herself as she closes her laptop. She'd make the 90 minute drive there face down the last of her demons.

After nearly three years of seeing a therapist, Kate finally felt that she could face Rick and explain her actions five years ago today.

 _When she scheduled her first appointment, Pugh asked if she had been in therapy before and Kate told him about Dr Burke. He then asked if she would give her permission to discuss her case with Burke to give him a better idea of what he was facing. Reluctantly she agreed after he told her he wouldn't see her if she was planning on keeping secrets from him._

 _Unlike Dr Burke, Pugh was quite blunt from their very first session warning her that he would not tolerate being lied to. He'd learned from his conversation with Burke that waiting Kate out for her to discover the truth on her own was a waste of time. She thrived on confrontation. That was why she was such a great interrogator._

 _Pugh listened to Kate's reason's for seeing him now after all of this time and simply replied "Bullshit. Try again". He pauses and softens his approach ever so slightly. "Your presence here is proof that you know you have a problem. Sometimes the first step is the most difficult. I want to help you. Really I do. But I can't do that if you aren't serious about resolving your issues. You promised not to lie to me. It serves no purpose other than to delay any chance of recovery. I won't waste my time and your money, if you don't want to get better..."_

 _The first year of therapy was brutal and she threatened to quit more times than not. Dr Pugh threatened to stop seeing her on several occasions when Kate tried to stone wall him on questions that she didn't want to answer. Most of the time those questions were about her relationship Castle._

 _The second year was better as she began to take ownership of her obsession to seek justice at all costs. That she had needlessly put her life and those that she supposedly cared for in danger to satisfy that need. Pugh finally made Kate accept the fact that she wasn't Superwoman. That seeking help was not a sign of weakness. That she couldn't save the world by herself. That vengeance wasn't justice._

 _The last year had been spent sorting through the relationships that she'd thrown away because of her actions. Pugh convinced her that she would never be free of her demons until she got the closure from those that she had wronged. It started with a phone call to Lanie. Since she had left New York nearly five years ago, the ME had married a surgeon at Mt Sinai. She was expecting their first child in a few months._

 _Although Lanie was reluctant to speak to the woman that once was her best friend, she listened quietly as Beckett admitted her mistakes and asked for a chance to be friends again. Kate explained that she didn't ask for forgiveness because she wasn't sure if she was deserving. Lanie couldn't be as uncaring as Kate had been all those years ago. She told her that she forgave her anyway and would try to see if they could be friends again._

 _Calling Ryan was a little easier. Kevin was quick to accept her apology and was happy to know that she was alive and doing well. Her attempt to talk to Esposito failed miserably. As soon as he heard her voice, he hung up without a word. Javi took her departure harder than everyone except Castle. He'd came up through the ranks with her. She was the sister he never had and he protected her, nearly losing his life when he blindly followed her lead into harms way chasing Maddox. He paid for his devotion with a thirty day suspension and a black mark on his record that kept him behind Beckett despite his military background and the same years of service as her._

 _After her disaster with Esposito, Kate decided that she needed a different tack to approach Martha and Alexis. She knew that the pair of redheads may have been in her corner at the beginning, but would ultimately choose Rick in the end. They owed him. She finally decides to fly to New York for the first time in nearly five years. Lanie had promised to contact Kevin and Javier for her. She never mentions Castle._

 _Jim Beckett met his daughter at the airport as she arrives from her overnight flight. It was an awkward reunion and Kate began to second guess her decision almost immediately. They rode from the airport to Jim's apartment in near silence only broken up with comments about the weather and the traffic. Once in the apartment, Kate explains her plan to her father who patiently listens to her._

" _Dad, I know that I screwed up bad, but I've gotten the professional help that I needed. I want to make amends. I need to make amends, for me." Kate explains to her father in a near pleading tone._

 _Jim sighed when Kate finished waiting for his response. "I understand your desire to make things right Katie. I know that making amends with the people that I wronged when I became an alcoholic was a vital step to my recovery... You have to understand that the world did not stop revolving while you were away. People change and you must accept the fact that things will never be as they were. Every choice has its consequences, good or bad..."_

" _What are you saying dad? Should I forget about my life and people that I knew before?"_

" _That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm telling you not to get your hopes up. You abandoned everyone you knew, including me. I'm your father and I understand what it's like to be addicted to something that I knew would destroy me if I let it. I was lucky, I listened to you and the other people in my life that cared for me and got the help I desperately needed at the time."_

" _But I got the help that I needed. I've learned to control my obsession." Kate replies in a small voice._

" _No Katie, all you've done is come to terms with the fact that your obsession controlled your life. You're like an alcoholic after detoxing. They think that they're cured because they're not drinking at that moment. Your obsession is only 'cured' because you can't find a rabbit hole to go down..." Jim pauses, not sure if he should ask the question because he already knows the truth, but then decides to ask anyway. "Can you honestly tell me that if you were back with the NYPD and a case like the one that drove you away like the last time came up, that you'd have the strength to walk away from it?"_

 _Kate was stunned by her father's question and thought about it for a minute while he stood there patiently waiting. At first she wanted to quickly reply yes, she could walk away. But deep, down Kate knew the truth. "I don't know dad if I have the strength to fight the demon inside me." Kate's voice was barely above a whisper._

 _Jim walks up to her and wraps her in his arms, hugging her tightly. "I face that same demon every morning when I wake. Every time I think about your mother. Every time I watch someone having a drink in a restaurant. Some days are better than others, but every day I struggle. You must accept the fact that you will never be cured. That every day for the rest of your life you have to fight that demon." Jim places a gentle kiss on her cheek as he releases her from his arms._

 _Kate sat down on the sofa and her father took a seat in the chair facing her. They made small talk for a few minutes about safe topics such as Jim's plans to retire next year and Kate discussing her business._

" _Have you ever considered moving to California when you retire dad?" Kate inquires._

" _Not really Katie. I was thinking about Florida..."_

" _Maybe you should consider it. I'm pretty happy there and there's plenty of places that I know you'd like not far from where I live."_

" _So you plan on staying out there permanently?"_

" _I guess so. It's not like there's anyplace else for me... I like what I'm doing and I'm good at it."_

" _That's good. So what are your plans for the rest of your stay here in New York?"_

" _Kevin, Lanie and I are going to meet someplace for drinks tomorrow. Try to catch up and regain a little of what was lost."_

" _What about detective Esposito?"_

 _Kate sighs before replying. "I tried to contact Javi when I spoke to Lanie and Kevin. He hung up on me as soon as he heard my voice..."_

" _That's one of the things that you have to accept as part of the process. Not everyone can forgive you of your transgressions. I lost more than a few friends forever when I let the bottle take over my life."_

 _Kate simply nods her head in understanding. Dr Pugh warned her that not everyone would welcome her back with open arms simply because she apologizes for her actions. That she has to accept the fact that some people and things will forever be collateral damage and move on._

 _Jim never asks about Castle._

 _Later that afternoon, she received a call from Laine telling her that they could meet at The Old Haunt for drinks. Lanie then assured her there was no chance of running into Castle as he had just left New York for the west coast leg of his promotional tour. Kate agrees to meet her and Kevin there at 7:00 pm. She took a quick shower and changed into casual clothes._

 _Minutes later, she climbs into the taxi and give the driver directions to her destination. She stared out the window looking at the sights and listening to the sounds of the city that she had called her home nearly all of her life. It all seemed so familiar, yet foreign. Twenty minutes later the cab stops and she is standing in front of The Old Haunt. A new, modern sign glowed above the entrance. Descending the stairs, she enters the bar and is stunned by the new look. It looked new and modern, yet warm and inviting. The place was packed with people and the upright piano still sat in its usual spot as the bar filled with music. Glancing around the bar, she looks for what used to be 'their' booth where many successful ends to cases were celebrated. Sure enough, sitting in the booth was a very pregnant Lanie, her husband, Jenny and Kevin._

 _Lanie sees her and yells for her to come over as she attempts to slide out of the booth. Kevin rises to his feet and is first to offer her a hug. Lanie follows next as Jenny smiles and Kevin tells her to take a seat._

 _Kate continues to scan the room taking in all of the changes since she was last here. "Wow. I never thought that Rick would ever change this place. What happened?"_

" _You did." Lanie answers a little more angrily than what she intended. "I mean, after you left, Rick was in a pretty bad state for a while... We convinced him to seek help and he did. He was convinced that if he wasn't moving forward, he was falling back. There is no point of equilibrium. He threw some serious money into this place and it's paid off. You're sitting in one of the trendiest bars in the city..."_

 _It was Kevin that steered the conversation back to safe topics. Jenny talked about how their two girls were growing like weeds. Lanie talked about her marriage and her pregnancy and Kevin talked about life in the 12_ _th_ _and his recent passing of the lieutenant's exam. Kate talked about her business and a few of her more interesting cases. They even managed to steer the conversation towards Lanie's husband as he told a few stories about his job as an orthopedic surgeon. He couldn't help but to look at Beckett warily. He had become good friends with Castle and still worked with Josh Davidson. Both men bore the scars of failed relationships with the woman sitting across from him in the booth._

 _No one talked about Espo and Kate could only guess that Lanie's attempts to bring him here had failed. In spite of that, things seemed to be going pretty well until Kate casually asks how Castle is doing. The other four at the booth exchange guilty looks with each other, saying that he is fine and maybe she should talk to him. Beckett immediately senses that there's something about Castle that they are keeping from her. She decides that now is not the time to force the issue. Things were too fragile at the moment._

 _They finished their second drink and Jenny commented about the time and the need to get home to their daughters. Lanie chimed in that her husband had to be in surgery early tomorrow also. They left promising each other that they would stay in touch, but none of them believed it to be true. Suddenly exhausted from her day, she takes a cab back to her father's apartment where she goes to sleep early._

 _Kate woke to the smell of breakfast cooking in the kitchen. For the briefest of moments, she thought that she was back at the loft and Castle was making her breakfast in bed. She frowned when she looked around the room realizing that she was in the guest room of her father's. Still tired, she trudges into the kitchen where Jim is standing in front of the stove making her an omelet just like he did when she was a child. She smiled at the sight and gave him a kiss on the cheek as she took a seat in front of the counter._

 _Jim explained that he wanted to cook his daughter breakfast and was planning on going into his office later. They ate together in a comfortable silence until Jim asked about her plans for the day. Kate spoke in vague terms about her plans assuming that if he knew, he would not be pleased. They promised to have dinner together before she flew back to Sacramento tomorrow._

 _An hour later, Beckett was sitting alone in her father's apartment staring at the screen on her laptop. She was able to discover that the best way for her to contact Alexis was through Rick's agency. Their website was touting the fact that they were officially opening their second office today. Kate was surprised that the only photo of Castle on the website was a headshot. His face looked thinner and his hair had sprinkles of grey throughout, but other than that he looked the same. His smile looked forced and she could see the gleam in his eyes was gone._

 _Not sure if she was ready to face Alexis, Kate searches for and finds Martha's number. From what little information she could find out, Martha still lived in Castle's loft. The place she once called home. She dials the number and waits as it rings four times. Kate nearly ends the call with each successive ring before it begins. On the fifth ring the phone is answered, but it wasn't Martha._

 _Not sure if she had dialed the correct number Kate inquires if this was Martha Rodgers phone. The woman at the other end of the line replies that yes it was. Martha had a stroke two months ago and that she was her nurse. The woman politely inquires if Kate wanted to leave a message and she declines. The one person in the Castle family that could have helped her is unable to even help herself._

 _Kate steeled her resolve and dialed the number of the agency from the website. The phone was answered on the second ring by an annoyingly cheerful sounding young woman asking to whom did she wish to speak. Beckett asks to speak to Alexis and is asked to hold while she connects her._

" _RCI, Alexis Castle speaking. How may I help you?"_

" _Alexis? This is Kate, Beckett."_

" _What do you want Ms Beckett?" Alexis inquires, the venom dripping off of her words._

 _Kate was expecting a harsh greeting from Alexis. "I'm in town for the day and wanted to know if you and I could meet for lunch somewhere? I'm sorry for everything that happened between us and I'm trying to make amends."_

" _How? I trusted you completely. I went against my father and told him that if he loved you, he had to trust you. Then you left him. No explanation, nothing. Just goodbye, maybe I'll be back someday, but wait for me. You devastated him. It took a year for my father to trust me again because I defended you." Alexis was sobbing now. She stops and calmly speaks into the phone. "I wish that I had it in me to forgive you, but I can't. And stay away from dad. He deserves better than you. Goodbye."_

 _The call ends before Kate can utter a word and she sits there dumbstruck from the tongue lashing she received from the girl she used to think of as a daughter. All she can do is sit there and wonder 'what if'._


	6. Chapter 6

**AN:** One more chapter after this...

 **October 1, 2020:**

Kate scanned the Richard Castle website looking for any clues as to what had happened to him since the day she walked out of his life five years and three days ago. She wanted to be prepared as this was the most important meeting of her life. She returned from New York yesterday determined to not let this opportunity slip through her hands. Kate wasn't one to believe in signs, or fate. That was always Rick's territory. Hers was always the real, what you could verify with your five senses.

Castle was to make a surprise appearance at one of the chain bookstores in the city. It was a last minute addition that only those who followed him on his website would even know about. Kate suspected that it was something that either Gina or Paula sprung on him at the last minute. Rick was ever complaining about his agent and publisher conspiring to keep him on the road as long as they could. She smiled as she remembered how he looked like a petulant child that was just give a time out for something he didn't do.

Kate steps into the shower making sure that she doesn't let her perfectly styled hair get wet. Making sure to use an ample quantity of the cherry scented body wash that Rick always loved. She scrubbed herself as fast as she could, exits the shower and towels off. She spent extra time making sure that her makeup was perfect. She knew that she had one shot at this.

Entering her bedroom, she gathers her sexiest bra and panty set she had. Although she had tried dating several times over the last two years none of them ever measured up to Rick, or warranted a second date. The old saying that 'you don't know what you had until its gone' certainly applied. Her line of work left her with the same prospects as she had with the NYPD, cops or criminals. She'd dated a few detectives from the Sacramento PD, they were nice enough, but they weren't what she was looking for. And there wasn't a line of ruggedly handsome millionaire authors waiting outside her door.

Deciding to go for a professional look, Kate selects her best business suit. One with a skirt rather than slacks. She knew just how much he liked her long legs. There was no need for hosiery as she was able to keep a deep tan nearly year round living here. She stood in front of the full length mirror that hung near the door and admired how nice she looked. She wasn't as firm as when she first met Castle at the age of 31, but she was confident that she could hold her own with most women her age.

She rehearsed her speech to Rick over and over in her mind as she drove to the mall where the book signing was scheduled. Kate didn't want to be in the front of the line, but didn't want to be left out either. Parking her car, she walks into the bookstore with a confidence she didn't really have. Despite the fact that she was thirty minutes early, there was already a line that would take an hour to get through. Her copy of the latest Derrick Storm novel tucked under her arm, she decided to wear a pair of oversized dark sunglasses to help disguise her until the right moment.

'This worked the last time I tried it.' Kate thought to herself as she caught her first glimpse of the man that she had once called husband. He'd lost weight but still looked good, maybe even better than the last time she saw him. He smiled and made some quip to the crowd that elicited a laugh from those at the front of the line that were able to hear it. She could see the gleam in his eyes. He looked happy and that worried her more than she thought was possible.

Slowly the line began to move and she was struggling with herself if she should just walk away. She fought that urge and waited patiently for her chance. She watched as Rick was in his element, surrounded by adoring fans. He made jokes with the people, who were mostly female her age and older, and posed for pictures. Surprisingly, many of the women in the line were dressed like she was. Obviously professionals who had snuck off from their jobs to get their books signed. An assistant from Black Pawn watched over him and tried to make sure he kept his interaction with each fan to a minimum to keep the line moving.

Castle was speaking to the young assistant about something when Kate finally laid her book on the table. Without looking, Rick opened the book and casually inquires. "And who do I make this out to?"

Her voice nearly failing her, she clears her throat and tries to speak in the sassy tone that he had been so familiar with over the years. "Kate. You can make it out to Kate." She removes her sunglasses and smiles.

Castle immediately recognizes the voice and his expression goes from happy, to shocked, to dismayed and finally settles on neutral in a matter of just a few seconds. Without a word, he takes the proffered book and scribbles something inside of it quickly.

"It's been a while." Kate laughs at her poor attempt at levity.

"Five years and three days." Rick replies emotionlessly.

"Can we talk after your done with this?"

"Why Beckett? Didn't you say everything that you wanted that night in my loft?"

Only her pride kept her from bursting into tears and throwing herself across the table at him. She could feel the pain radiating from him as he looked at her. "Please Rick, give me a chance to explain. You owe me that much." She was pleading now.

"Owe you?" His voice came out as a growl and his whole body went rigid fighting the urge to explode.

"Just five minutes. Please?" Kate begged as her eyes filled with tears.

"Mr Castle, is everything ok?" The young assistant inquires seeing how upset he had become seeing this woman. She'd followed this tour from the beginning and had never seen Rick be anything other than kind and charming to his fans.

"Everything is fine Emily." Castle replies in his normal calm voice. He then turns back to face Beckett. "There's a small restaurant not far from here. I'm meeting some people there for dinner at six. Why don't you meet me there at 5:30 and you can have your 'talk'. Emily will give you the address."

Knowing that this would be her only chance to talk to Rick, she accepts the offer and moves away from the table, book clutched to her chest. Slipping the sunglasses back on, she walks out of the store fighting back tears. One part of her brain was telling her that this was the end, there was no chance for her and Rick. The other part reminded her of a similar situation nine years ago, and how she was able to bring Rick around in spite of the way she had treated him.

Deciding to go into her office and see how things were going, she climbs into her new S500 Mercedes and makes the ten minute drive. She carries the book in her hand as she enters her business and gives her surprised assistant a smile as she walks past the young woman to her office. Taking a seat in her leather executive chair, Kate places the book on her desk, afraid of opening it and seeing what he had written. She leans back in her chair and looks around her office. It was very nice, lots of dark woods, chrome, glass and leather. It could be a model for an office furniture store.

That's exactly what it looked like. There were no mementos, no trophies, no family pictures, nothing that would give a clue to the person who worked there. No ties to anything. She thought about Castle's office. It was filled with what-nots, collectables, trophies and pictures. It was an eclectic collection of things that told you all about the man it belonged to.

She took a bottle of water from the small refrigerator in her office and twisted of the cap. Kate took a couple of sips working up the nerve to open Castle's book and see what he had written. She carefully opens the book as if it might shock her and turns to the page he had autographed. _**'To Kate: I'm happy to see that you are alive and doing well. Hope you find what you're looking for. Richard Castle.'**_ She was taken back by how cold and impersonal it felt, as if he was signing a book for someone he didn't know at all. 'Did Rick really see her as a stranger?' She shuddered at the thought. No, if she wanted him back, it was going to take some serious effort this time. This wasn't the same man that she sat on the swings with all those years ago and asked for his help.

The realization struck her like a gut punch as she clasps her hand over her mouth the keep from screaming out loud. "I'm such a hypocrite." She says to herself. 'I was the one that went to him and asked him to go down that rabbit hole with me to find Maddox after he tried to kill me. He had moved on after I never spoke to him for over three months. Yet I drug him back into it all to help my crusade... And he did... We promised each other that we would be partners in life and I betrayed him.' Kate sobbed into her hands as she sat at her desk, wishing that she had a do-over...

x-x-x

Rick glanced at his watch repeatedly as he met and greeted his fans and signed their books. Of all the people that he expected to see today, Kate would have been the last one hew would have guessed. He knew that she lived in Sacramento, but he had came to this city several times over the last five years and she had never appeared. He was curious as to what had changed that would make her want to face him. The assistant roped off the line leaving a few stragglers left out. She knew the routine and got their names and addresses for an autographed picture if they wanted it.

He finished with the last fan at exactly 5:15. Jumping up from his seat, he hurriedly thanked all of the book store personnel that had helped with the event. He thanked Emily and told her that he'd see her at the airport first thing in the morning. She would fly with him to Portland for the next signing along with his guests that he was meeting later. He checked for any texts and was pleased to see that they had arrived here from their flight and should be at the restaurant by 6:00 pm as planned. Rick quickly types a response and sends it as he climbs into his rental.

Kate was sitting in the lounge of the restaurant nervously glancing at her watch. She arrived a few minutes early and decided that a glass of wine was just what she needed to settle her nerves. She sipped her wine as she politely rejected the advances of a white haired man that reminded her of her father. She'd seen his face before on local TV he was a well respected and very married, state senator. As she looked around the bar, it was obvious that this place must be the hangout for the state politicians. She glanced again at father's watch on her wrist and sees that it's 5:33. For a moment she had the unkind thought that Castle had no intention of meeting her and only said what he did to get her to leave without an incident.

"Kate, I wasn't sure if you'd make it. Sorry, but it took a little longer at my signing than I planned." Rick extends his hand to her and helps her from the barstool. They walk side by side to a quiet table in the far corner of the restaurant. She noticed that it was a larger table capable of seating six, but thought nothing of it. A waiter stopped by as soon as they were seated and asked what they would like to drink. Rick asked what Kate was drinking and said that he'd have that also. The waiter asks if she'd like another glass, but she declined.

Deciding to break the awkward silence, Kate spoke first. "So how's the new book doing? The reviews have been great. I haven't had the chance to read it yet... But I'm looking forward to it." She wants to stay with safe topics to start.

"Yeah, the critics have been kind to me and from the preliminary sales, this may be my best selling novel ever." Castle replies in a well rehearsed manner as if he was being interviewed. "So, you live in Sacramento... How do you like it?"

"It's a nice town. The weather took some getting used to, but I've learned to like it. I still miss New York sometimes..."

"I've always liked it out here..." Deciding that this small talk was simply as stall tactic, Rick jumps right in. "Why did you decide to see me after all this time?"

Beckett was stunned by the near indifference in his voice as if he didn't care why. "I've been in therapy for nearly three years now. I've been trying to make myself into the type of woman that was worthy of being your wife. I let my demons consume me and I lost everyone and everything that I ever cared for..." Rick listened intently no emotion showing at all.

"I was so unfair to you and I don't expect you to ever forgive me for what I did..." Rick started to say something and she quickly cuts him off. "I need to say these things... I wish that I could take everything that I did to hurt you back, but I can't. All I know for sure is that I love you and I'd do anything to get you back..."

"You told me you loved me and then you walked out of my life five years ago. What type of love is that?" He let out a sigh of frustration before speaking. "I believe you Beckett. I believe that you loved me, but not enough to be more important than your hubris... I was always second to something. First it was your mother's case, then it was that damn job with the AG's office and finally it was your quest to solve the murders of people that you barely knew."

"That's not true Rick, I..."

Rick cut her off this time. "My turn to speak. You told me how you were protecting me by leaving. You knew that was a lie. I spoke to Rita minutes before you decided to leave. She told me everything. My stepmother told you to give it up and come home to me, but you couldn't do that. I offered to go down that rabbit hole with you and you refused. Five years later and you're trying to tell me the same lies?"

"Rick, I know I screwed up when I chose to go after the people who murdered my team, but I felt that I owed them..."

"What did you owe me? Did you even consider that I might not be willing to wait for you?"

"I thought that you loved me..." Kate whispers to herself. "If you loved me as much as you claimed you did you wouldn't have given up on me as quickly as you did. You filed for divorce after I was gone less than a month. You disappeared for two months and I still married you." Kate's self defense mechanisms were kicking in now and the words were out of her mouth before she could stop herself.

"You're right Beckett. I did file for divorce after a month of you being gone, but I warned you that if you walked out the door, we were over. You were so sure that I'd wait on you that you never even considered it, did you? I knew that you lost your job with the NYPD and my sources told me that the AG's office turned you down. You had no way to continue your crusade, yet you never called. That's why I filed for divorce..."

Rick's temper was flaring so he stopped himself and took a deep breath. "I was abducted Beckett. Taken against my will. I did things while I was away, things that would have forced me to stay away forever unless I had my memories wiped. I suspected that all along and Jenkins confirmed it when I was working with them to take down LockSat. I let them wipe my memories and leave me for dead so that I could come back to you. And my reward for that was your suspicions and distrust..." Rick was nearly growling as he spoke.

"You took down LockSat?" Kate inquires incredulously.

"No WE took down LockSat as in a team. Not me going all lone-wolf like you had planned." Rick laughed and rubbed his face with his palms in frustration. "And you always accused me of having a big ego... Jesus Beckett, did you ever wonder why you didn't have a partner until I came along? You lorded over Ryan and Esposito as if they were your personal serfs... How many times have you cheated death because you were sure that you could take down the bad guy alone and ended up having someone rescue you?"

"Rita told you that she had been tracking down the people behind LockSat for months, yet once again, you didn't listen to her. Once I knew that you had left New York, I worked with them to bring LockSat down. The reason why you never heard anything about it in the press was political. The agencies involved would have gotten a black eye if the truth was revealed. Don't worry, your friends were avenged."

Rick took a sip of his wine as Kate sat there gobsmacked at hearing LockSat had been taken down by Rick and his family. And once again, his comments about her ego writing checks that her body couldn't cash went ignored. The waiter approaches the table and asks if they were expecting others to join them to which Rick said yes. Just as the waiter walks away from the table, they hear the sound of what must be two very small children calling out 'Daddy! Daddy!'.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN:** The last chapter of this story. I was surprised that a few of the reviews thought that Meredith was alone and miserable. Quite the contrary, Meredith realized that she simply wasn't cut out to be anyone's wife. Some people simply aren't cut out for the compromises that marriage requires. The problem was, Rick happened to marry three of them.

 **October 1, 2020 (continued):**

Kate turns her head to see two children, two or three years old, running towards the table where they were sitting. Rick pushes himself up from his chair and drops to his knee with open arms, whatever anger he felt moments ago gone. A boy and a girl, probably twins with curly blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes leaped into his arms as he hugged them close to him. "How are my two babies?" He cooed as he held them close to him.

The little girl gave him an annoyed look as she pushed herself out of his grasp. Standing there with her hands on her hips she replies. "I'm not a baby. I'll be three years old next month. Adam is a baby."

The little boy glares back at his sister. "That's not true and I'll be three next month too."

"You're both my babies. You always will be. Just like Alexis." Rick laughs. "Where's mommy?"

"Right here." The statuesque sable haired beauty replies. Dressed in a suit similar to the one Kate was wearing, she strode confidently up to the table where Rick took her into his arms and kissed her. Beckett could see that this woman was mature, probably closer to Rick's age than she was. Her olive skin and hazel eyes accentuated her strikingly beautiful face. She might have been an inch or so shorter than Kate but she carried herself with such self-assurance that she seemed much taller.

Kate wanted to run out of the restaurant screaming, but somehow managed to regain some composure as the woman in Castle's arms looked at her for the first time. "Aren't you going to introduce us Rick?" She asks as she extends her hand to Rick.

"I'm sorry babe. Katherine Beckett, I'd like you to meet my wife Cassandra Latham. Cassie, this Katherine Beckett."

Still to stunned to say anything, Kate simply extends her hand to the woman and gives it a polite squeeze. She tries to politely excuse herself, seeing just how wrong her assumptions were. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you were having dinner with your family. I best be going."

"Nonsense. Please join us for dinner. I'm sure that you have a million questions." Cassie replies, not at all intimidated by Kate's presence as Rick flags down a waiter to request booster seats for the children.

Kate was torn. Part of her wanted to run away as fast as she could, but the detective in her wanted to know what had happened to Rick since she chose a fool's quest over her husband. Rick and Cassie exchanged a glance and he comments. "Yes Beckett, please stay."

"Thank you." Is all Kate can say as she sits down again. Rick is still kneeling down one arm around each of the children as he is making small talk with them. When they first married, Kate had always hoped that one day they would have a family of their own. She knew how much he loved children and felt that it was the only thing that he was truly proud of. Kate smiled as she remembered how excited he was when they took little Cosmo in for that night.

Cassie looks at Kate who is still deep in thought and comments. "Rick tells me that you are a successful businesswoman now..."

Pulled back from her thoughts, Kate quickly replies. "Yes, I have my own skip tracer service."

"So you're a bounty hunter?" Cassie inquires. "Sounds exciting..."

Kate feigns a smile. She wasn't sure how to react to the question. Cassie seemed sincere and not judgmental in the way she asked. "Yes. it was a way for me to take down criminals without a badge... And yes, it can exciting at times... So what do you do for a living?" Kate inquires, secretly hoping that the woman across from her was a typical trophy wife. Cassie looked as if she always had money, lots of it.

"Right now, I'm senior partner at Latham, Latham, Burke and Gould. I've worked there for the last fifteen years. Before that I worked in the DA's office in New York. My dad retired last year forcing me to take over the firm."

Kate smiled as she was sure this woman had benefitted from nepotism more than talent. She fought back the urge to make a snide comment about how it must have been nice to have daddy give you a job, when Rick chimed in as he fastened the children into their booster seats. "And soon to be a state supreme court justice."

Cassie had the decency to give Kate an embarrassed look. "That's not official. The formal announcement will not be made until next week." Wanting to change the subject, Cassie inquires. "So, what's it like for a native New Yorker living in northern California?"

Kate started to respond, but was interrupted by the waiter as he distributed menus and discussed the special of the day. They all listened politely and started looking through the menus. The last thing in the world that Beckett felt like doing at the moment was having dinner with the only man she ever truly loved and his happy family. She looked at them together as Rick teases his two giggling children and his wife gives him an mock glare for his silliness. 'This could have been your life if you hadn't given in to your demons. Now he belongs to someone else. He's moved on without you.' Kate thinks to herself as she wipes a tear from her eye. Beckett wishes that this was like 'A Christmas Carol', that she would wake up beside Rick and find that the last five years were nothing more than a horrible dream.

Cassie turns to see Kate wiping the tear away and gently inquires. "Is everything okay?"

Kate was surprised that Cassie looked genuinely concerned for her. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just a sad memory, that's all..." She pauses for a couple of seconds to regain her composure. "So how long have you two been married?"

"About eighteen months now. I've known Rick since I was going to Harvard Law School. He was a client of our firm since his first novel. I worked in the DA's office for a couple of years and decided to go into daddy's business. It was tough for me as the other lawyers there thought that I only got the job through nepotism. I worked hard and became a full partner after ten years..."

She pauses and takes a sip of her water. "Rick and I never dated or anything like that. In fact I was married when I met with him nearly five years ago. My ex had been a prosecutor in the DA's office for over fifteen years, in fact, that's where we met. I thought that things were going well, but then he started staying later and later at the office, sometimes not coming home at all. He always said that it was because of some case that he was working at the time. I understood what it was like to have to put in long hours on a case so I thought nothing of it. Soon came the mysterious calls at all hours of the night and hangups as soon as I would answer. As much as I tried to deny it, I just knew that he was having an affair."

"My dad suggested that I contact Rick and see if his agency could get me the answers that I so desperately needed. My first time at his agency, I never even spoke with him. Alexis was there and agreed to take my case, promising that her dad would handle it personally. A week later I received a call from Alexis telling me that they had the proof that I was looking for and that I should come in..."

"The first time I saw him in his office, I barely recognized him. He had lost weight and looked tired and haggard. He was as charming as I remembered and seemed truly upset that he was giving me the proof that my husband was cheating on me. It was if he was blaming himself for my marriage failing. Rick had done a thorough job and had pictures, voicemails and text messages that confirmed that my ex had been in an affair with this clerk in the DA's office for over a year. He apologized for giving me the news and I thanked him for the help. I didn't know at the time that his divorce was finalized just one day earlier..."

Rick sat there silently and listened to his wife tell his ex how they met. He looked at Beckett as she listened intently and knew just how awkward this must be for her. He felt no need to punish her for the past. While he certainly wouldn't thank her, everything that happened led him to where he was at this moment. All of the pain that she put him through makes him appreciate what he has now that much more. Reaching over to where she is sitting he gives Cassie's hand a gentle squeeze. "I'm sure that Kate's not that interested in how we got together." He spoke with affection to her and she smiles at him.

"No, please continue." Beckett quickly replies, convinced that she took advantage of Rick in a vulnerable state just after his divorce was finalized.

The water stopped back to take their orders while Castle watches the two small children busy coloring in the books that Cassie brought in her purse. They were so caught up in their coloring efforts that they paid no attention to the grown-ups speaking at the table.

"As I was saying." Cassie starts to speak again. "I filed for divorce a week later. I was impressed with the timeliness and professionalism that Rick and Alexis provided and soon his agency was doing nearly all of our investigative work for us. I didn't see Rick again for nearly two years until we met at a charity fundraiser for clean water. Alexis was his date that night and she quickly abandoned him in search of someone more age appropriate... And not related to her." Kate has to laugh at her comment as that seemed so much like Alexis.

"Rick was sitting all alone at his table looking miserable and I decided to strike up a conversation. We talked about his business and how he was earning hours in the cockpit to get his instrument and multi engine rating. I then asked him if he'd like to dance and we spent the remainder of the evening on the floor. He truly is a wonderful dancer..."

"So you're a pilot?" Kate asks as she looks at Castle.

She watches as Rick is grinning like a little child as he speaks. "Yeah, I started flying lessons as a way to keep my mind off of other things..." His smile quickly fades as he remembers why he started flying as a way to forget about his loss of a wife. He catches himself slipping and the smile returns. "In the air, I felt free and totally in control of things. It became my refuge. I'd always wanted to own my own jet and of course mother and Alexis were convinced that I had lost my marbles, but eventually they gave in."

Rick was still smiling as he took a sip of his drink remembering how he had to win over Martha and Alexis. "I eventually got enough hours for my instrument and multi engine rating... I ended up getting my own jet last year. I got a very good deal on it at a government auction. It was only a couple of years old, but had lots of hours from being used to ferry drugs from Mexico. It would have cost me a fortune to completely restore it, but I knew a guy..." He grinned as he finished his statement and for a moment Kate flashed back to their very first case together, how he always seemed to 'know a guy' familiar with whatever they were working on at the time.

"So enough about me. What have you been up to besides your business?" Rick asks sincerely.

Once again Kate was thankfully interrupted by the waiter bringing out their meals. The last thing in the world she wanted to do was explain how she has had no personal life outside of her job with the exception of a handful of failed first dates. Especially after seeing how completely Rick has moved on. Kate pushes her food around her plate while she watches Rick interact with the children as they eat their food. She glances at Cassie as she stares at her husband with such affection.

They continued with their meals in near silence, only broken by the occasional comment from either Rick or Cassie to Adam or Ashley. After making a valiant effort to try and eat something, Kate surrenders taking another sip from her wine. She casually comments. "You have a beautiful family. How old are the twins?"

"They'll be three next month. And no, they are not ours biologically. In fact, they've only been with us about a year now." Cassie responds. Their father was a junior partner at our firm. He and his wife were killed in an automobile accident in upstate New York about fifteen months ago. Barry and Beatrice Sanders were a wonderful young couple. It was such a tragedy. Barry was an only child and his parents were both deceased. His wife was an orphan. As soon as we heard about it, Rick never hesitated and we started the process of adopting them. I always wanted children, but was unable to have them myself. I wanted to adopt, but my ex felt that he could never accept a child as his own unless he was the biological father... It was one of the things that drove us apart..."

Rick stops eating and takes Cassie's hand in his giving her that 'everything is going to be fine' look that he used to give Kate all those years ago. Cassie sniffs back a tear at the memory and continues to speak. "We both were so afraid of what would happen to them if they fell into the system, that we took them in and three months later became their legal guardians. Rick had their last names changed to Castle when the adoption was finalized."

Kate looks at the happy couple and comments. "I have to say that I'm surprised that you've been able to keep this out of the press. I mean, I had no clue that you were in a relationship, let alone married with children..."

Rick couldn't help but grin at her comment. "I know, right? I mean you always accused me of never being able to keep a secret..." The smile fades. "It hasn't been easy and only a few people know about us... At first it was kind of fun, almost spy like. The last thing that Cassie needs is the negative press she would get being tied to me... We have to work at it every day, but it's worth it."

Beckett realizes that Ryan and Lanie both knew and why they were so reluctant to speak about him when they met a few days earlier. "So Lanie and Kevin both know?"

Rick simply nods. "Yeah so does Esposito. He took it pretty badly when he found out, but has since came around. Of course mother and Alexis know. Bob, Cassie's partners at her firm and her best friend are the others... And now you."

"I don't understand why being with you would be a negative for your wife's career. I mean, you've been a model citizen since our very first case together. Hell, you were even commended by the NYPD for your work with them."

Castle sat there with a guilty look on his face as he debated if he should tell her the truth. He took a deep breath and looked at Cassie for reassurance before speaking. "After we went to the local media trying to draw out the person behind LockSat, the NYPD took a pretty big hit with the press. Then you were suspended for unknown reasons and left me causing the media to think that you were involved in something illegal. I had Paula working overtime trying to keep a lid on it all, but when you left the city without a word, the press ran with the story that you were a disgraced cop running away from something... It wasn't a big story at the time but the damage was done... I'm surprised that you didn't read about it."

"When Cassie's appointment to the court is announced, we're prepared for the fallout. I've hired a PR firm to help with any negative press when they find out that we're married and have children. We're sticking with the truth, that we didn't want to make our private lives public, but I'm afraid that my three failed marriages will hurt her and I'll do anything to prevent that."

Cassie gives him a reassuring look and winks. "We'll get through this honey. Trust me."

The moment was broken with the sound of Adam complaining. "Daddy! Make Ashley quit poking me!"

"Am not!" Ashley replies a little too quickly to sound innocent.

Rick can only laugh, grateful the the focus had shifted to something safe. "I think that we have two very tired children..."

"I agree." Cassie replies with a warm smile as she looks at first the two children and then at her husband. "Maybe I should take them to the hotel now... It's been a long day for them."

"Let me settle up the check and I'll go with you."

"No, stay here. I'm sure that you and Katherine have some things that you want to discuss and I'll see you later."

Rick simply nods his head, knowing that she is correct. "Okay then." Rick gets up from his seat and starts to unfasten the two from their booster seats, lifting them up into the air. Adam giggles at his turn, while Ashley gives him an annoyed look. "Give me a hug munchkins, daddy will see you two in a little while."

Cassie rises to her feet and extends her hand again to Kate. She pushes herself up from her chair as she watches Rick hugging his children. It was obvious that they adored him as much as he did them. Beckett could tell that Cassie wasn't worried about leaving her husband alone with her. It wasn't arrogance. It was simply the belief in the person that she loved. God how she wanted to hate this woman for taking away the one good thing in her life. 'But she didn't take him away. You threw him away.' Her conscience mocks her.

Giving Kate's proffered hand a gentle squeeze, Cassie comments. "It's been a pleasure to meet you Katherine. I hope that you get everything that you want from life..." ' _He's mine and you can't have him_ ' didn't need to be spoken, but was implied. Cassie looks to her two little ones and calls out to them. "Come say goodbye to Ms Katherine."

The children walk to where Kate was standing, each offering their hand. Kate kneels down and shakes their hands telling them that she was happy to meet them. Rick gives his wife a hug and a soft kiss on the lips as she tells the twins that it's past their bedtime. They run away from Beckett and back to their mother, each one clasping a hand.

"Goodbye Katherine." Cassie says as she walks out of the restaurant with the children.

Kate looks back at Rick as he watches his wife and children exit the room with a look of pride. "You really have moved on... You promised me always." Kate stage whispers to Rick as he sits back down at the table.

He contemplates what she has just said and gives her a puzzled look. "You promised me no secrets and no lies and then hours later walked out of my life with no explanation why. You promised to be my partner in all things and then you went off on your own without me. You made a lot of promises that you didn't keep." There was no emotion whatsoever in his voice.

"I was trying to protect you." Kate counters.

"No you weren't and if you were honest with yourself you'd admit that what you did was thoughtless and selfish. I told you that night that if you walked out that door that we were over."

"You always waited for me before that. You must have known that I was suspended by the NYPD and the AG's office turned me down. Why didn't you call?"

"Why didn't you? Was it pride, or were you afraid that I was serious? Your little stunt nearly cost me my relationship with Alexis. You hurt her as much as you hurt me. She believed in you. Defended you to me when I had my doubts. I was a mess after you left. I stopped eating, writing or speaking to anyone who knew you. After two weeks of no contact from you, I knew that it was over. I called my attorney and started the dissolution process."

Castle sighed and raked his fingers through his hair as he tried to remain calm. "Rita called me a week later. She said that she could tell me what happened to me those missing six weeks if I would help her take down LockSat. I agreed immediately because I wanted to know what I had done that was so bad that I asked to have the memories erased from me. Christmas day 2015 we started the take down of the entire operation with deputy director Nicholas Quinn. Rita made contact with the people who erased my memory in the CIA and they were able to release them for me. Somehow I had been recruited to work on a couple of code name only cases in South America. One of these cases had ties directly to LockSat. Classified information that normally would earn a sanction if revealed. Because of who my father and stepmother were to the agency, I was given a choice: I could remain with the agency and never see you or my family again, or I could agree to have all of my memories erased and they'd let me come home. I agreed to having my memories erased for you, Alexis and mother."

"Rick, I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"Of course you didn't. They tried to make it look like I ran away from the wedding and you believed it. And you never forgave me for it. No matter what you say, you used it against me till the end. After we took down LockSat, my life seemed to have no purpose. It was mother and Alexis who forced me into getting therapy. I saw Dr Burke two, sometimes three times a week trying to figure out why every woman that I ever loved that wasn't related to me, betrayed me in the end."

"I thought that maybe I was better off as page six Rick. He didn't need a serious relationship, only a never ending series of meaningless one night stands. I found out pretty quick that I couldn't do that anymore... It's ironic that the last person in the world that I'd ever consider taking advise from was the one who set me straight... Three years ago, Alexis had arranged for Meredith and I to have dinner while I was in LA. I asked her why she never tried to get back together with me and she told me that she wasn't a hypocrite. That she knew that I'd take her back, but things would never be the same again between us. That it was better if I moved on with someone I could trust. I thought you were the one Kate. I believed that with all of my heart..."

"Rick, I wish that I could take back the last five years, but I can't. I wish there was something that I could say that would make you forgive me. Make you love me again..."

"Kate, I never stopped loving you. I still do, but just like Kyra, I had to let you go. I couldn't let you hold me hostage until you decided that you wanted me. That happened before and look where we are... There is no Rick and Kate... You made your choices and so did I. No, it's time to say goodbye."

Kate was barely holding it together as they walked from the table and out of the restaurant. Standing there in silence, they waited as the valets brought their cars to the entrance. Castle can't help but whistle as they bring Kate's car to the entrance. "Wow, nice car."

She starts to walk to the car as Castle reaches for her, grabbing her wrist. She stops as he pulls her close to him and wraps her in his arms for the last time. He looks into her red-rimmed eyes and offers a sad smile as he gently places a soft kiss on her cheek. "Goodbye Kate. You'll always hold a place in my heart."

He releases her from his hug and she walks to her car without a word, climbs into it and disappears into the night, leaving Rick standing there. "Have a good life, Kate." He whispers to the night.

End.


End file.
